Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg
Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg

Palo Alto, CA — Facebook announced late Wednesday that it will put several Nevada County Facebook Groups on a “time out” until they can get their odd, histrionic behavior under control. The announcement comes on the heals of November’s warning to Nevada County that it has “way too many Facebook groups” for “such a tiny community.”

“As we mentioned back in November,” announced Mr. Zuckerberg, “we are concerned about the number of Facebook groups that inhabit the Nevada County space. And the reason we are worried, is that it demonstrates a kind of pathology that leads to the kind of behavior we’re currently seeing. Many of the groups are fine. Rancorous, but fine. But there are a few that just need a time out or something.”

An informal study conducted by Gish Gallop revealed that the county demographic has approximately 1 Facebook Group for every 12.6 citizens. This ratio is emblematic of the County’s unique sense of rugged individualism and bat-shit-craziness. This most recent Facebook announcement from the Facebook CEO prescribes putting the worst Nevada County offenders on a virtual naughty chair for a period of time until they, in Mr. Zuckerberg’s words, “stop acting like babies.”

It is unclear at the time of this writing which Nevada County Groups are being targeted, but there’s a good bet that admins of the targeted groups already know they’re on the naughty list. Punishments will include putting convicted admins in virtual public “stocks” to shame them into calming down and acting less like sanctimonious dicks.

According to a Facebook meme released with the announcement, your Nevada County Facebook Group may be targeted if you meet one of the following eight nine criteria:

  1. You’ve been threatened with a lawsuit.
  2. You’ve threatened someone else with a lawsuit.
  3. You unnecessarily freak out (in your Facebook group) when threatened with a lawsuit.
  4. You believe that ISIS is camping out in your backyard.
  5. You allow people to join your group to bash other groups.
  6. You continually allow discussions about batshit crazy topics like chemtrails or vaccines, and then freak out when the conversations get batshit crazy.
  7. You somehow believe that Facebook is private.
  8. You require that people keep their profiles open to you so you can stalk them.
  9. You’ve allowed your group to degenerate into an online version of the SPCA.

“We really hope this gets the Nevada County Facebook scene in order,” continued Mr. Zuckerberg. “I mean look at Sedona. They have like 4 groups and manage to keep the peace. I hope this situation doesn’t turn into another Roseville blow out. That was ugly.”

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