Mary Penland of Fresno, CA has incorporated her uterus and vagina in an attempt to gain regulatory exemptions.
Mary Penland of Fresno, CA has incorporated her uterus and vagina in an attempt to gain regulatory exemptions.

Fresno, CA — Taking a page from the Republican Party’s handbook, Mary Penland of Fresno, CA has incorporated her uterus and vagina in an attempt to gain the many regulatory exemptions many corporations enjoy. Ms. Penland decided to take this radical move after what she saw as the unnecessary invasion of her body by the government.

“For the longest time,” said Ms. Penland in a Gish Gallop Telephone interview, “I tried to give the government the benefit of the doubt. I mean, who in their right mind thinks abortion is a good thing? Anyhow it’s become clear that the Government isn’t interested in thinking these complicated issues through. They just want to adhere to their agenda at any cost. So I decided to incorporate my uterus and vagina as Delaware Corporations. I figured that was something Republicans would understand. I’m guessing my uterus can contribute to political campaigns now.”

Republicans and conservatives have made fighting against government interference in every aspect of American life their primary reason for opposing government regulations despite the fact that people desperately need government to protect them from predators in the businesses and financial sector. However, Republicans have made interfering a regular practice when it suits their agenda.

Over the past five years the GOP made regulating women’s lives one of its primary objectives due to their devotion to serving the religious right that runs a close second to the Republican loyalty to corporations and the dirty energy sector. The most recent GOP attack has been aimed at de-funding Planned Parenthood which has been driven by politicians who do not have a uterus. It’s within this contradictory agenda that Ms. Penland made her decision to incorporate parts of her body.

“I know Republicans like to pick and choose the things they like to regulate,” continued Ms. Penland, “which is why I incorporated my uterus as an energy company and my vagina as a charitable, non-profit 501(c)(3) religious organization. it’s the only way to keep the prying hands of government out of my body.”

What’s perhaps most surprising, is that the Delaware Division of Corporations, the bureaucracy responsible for managing new and existing corporations, quickly approved Ms. Penland’s request. Gynophore Energy, the name of her corporate uterus and Dementecostal Church of Insanetology, which is the official name of her vagina were both approved within 24 hours of her application. Government insiders who wished to remain off the record, speculated that former Delaware Senator and Vice President Joe Biden might have been involved in expediting her request.

“You don’t need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows,” said a somewhat smug government insider. “The Democrats have become quite savvy at undermining everything the GOP does. And they’ve done it by ‘giving ’em enough rope,’ if you know what I mean. This has Biden’s fingerprints all over it, probably with Obama’s blessing.”

Ms. Penland is not sure what her next steps are, however she’s confident that these moves will keep cultural conservatives out of her body.

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