Stephanie Aldleson waiting for the Jehovah's Witnesses to leave.
Stephanie Aldleson waiting for the Jehovah’s Witnesses to leave.

La Barr Meadows, CA — Local work-from-home woman Stephanie Aldleson has successfully avoided the 5th attempt of the Jehovah’s Witnesses to give her the Good News.

“Fortunately, I have a long driveway as you can see,” said Ms. Aldleson from the porch of her La Barr Meadows home. “So I can see them coming and I run to the back of the house and hide.”

Founded in 1870, the Jehovah’s Witnesseses are a millenarian restorationist Christian denomination with nontrinitarian beliefs distinct from mainstream Christianity. They are best known for their door to door proselytizing and for their extraordinary printing and pamplet distributing skills. They are best known for their popular insomnia publication Awake! and the world’s largest circulated, yet unread magazine, The Watchtower. [disclosure: Gish Gallop is an advertiser in The Watchtower].

“They’re very nice people. I talked to them years ago,” said Ms. Aldleson, “but they’ve been coming here almost every week. I think my ex boyfriend signed me up for them or something.”

Other than running and hiding behind one’s bed, Gish Gallop has some suggestions on how to avoid Jehovah’s Witnesseses:

  • Stage a sword fight. When they approach your door, answer it with energy and zeal. Also be swinging a sword.
  • Have a fake conversation with your split personality “Susan” as they start to talk to you. Get in an argument with her. Tell her she was wrong to leave the garage door open last night.
  • The old standby: answer the door naked. Gish Gallop add-on: remember to furiously scratch your butt.
  • Keep a box of old sex toys on the porch with a sign that says, “Free, slightly used.”
  • Don’t pretend to be a Satanist. They’re onto this trick. Instead, pretend to be Presbyterian.
  • Try the Acme disintegration gun as seen on Roadrunner cartoons. Note: not legal in all jurisdictions and subject to misfire.
  • Two words: Horse Mask.
  • Ask them nicely to leave and that you are not interested. We know, that’s really hard.
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