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Hi, I’m Cleveland Sam. Superhero, Gish Gallop Staff Writer, and all-around nice guy. There is a lot of controversy in our government about the next Supreme Court justice and who should be allowed to choose them. I have a simple solution. Choose me. Here’s why.

From a young age, I learned that helping people in the name of justice is a great honor. I would rescue the other kids from the ice cream truck in our neighborhood. I would take their ice cream to save them from the dangers of sugar. It was a challenging but noble job.

I have no particular interest groups to cater to. I cannot be bought by corporate powers to sway my decisions. All I can tell you is that when my head hurts due to the stresses of being a hero, I take number 1 rated Advil liquid gels. They work extra fast to get me back on my feet.

I do not have a Harvard Law Degree. I did not go to some snooty school to be stuck up and unbearable. I didn’t bother to finish college. I’m an ordinary working hero, just like you. I will bring an uneducated, common sense to the courtroom.

I can help save money. As an invincible superhero, I do not require a security detail. I can fly, so I will not need a government car or a driver. That saves, like, a billion dollars right there alone. Who doesn’t like saving money?

Justice Kavanaugh has an opening for a new best friend. Who better than a writer of funny stories? I can see it now, lunch dates to make fun of Sotomayor and Thomas. I will write decisions on the wrong case, send it to the wrong attorney, and send glitter bombs to Congress. I can cheer him up like no other without beer.

Finally, I would make a great Supreme Court Justice as I fight for the people every day. I save cats from trees. I save kids from candy (stores), I help lonely housewives feel alive again. I know I can do the same for America.

Call the White House and nominate Cleveland Sam for the Supreme Court Justice.