A stoned Zahhak Sobek seen here with his spacecraft parked illegally at Empire Mine State Park.
A stoned Zahhak Sobek seen here with his spacecraft illegally parked at Empire Mine State Park.

Grass Valley, CA — An alien reptilian visitor to the popular unconventional gift store in Grass Valley, CA announced to a startled crowd outside the shop that he found they had an impressive selection of water pipes. Zahhak Sobek, who is visiting the small California Gold Rush town from his home planet of Nocknon which orbits the star KIC 8462852, said he enjoys shopping Earth for trinkets and whatnots and recently discovered the delights of water pipe smoking.

“You can imagine what I’ve seen. I’m a picky shopper,” said a grunting Zahhak Sobek with a dribble of mucous tricking down his chin. “I mean, I’ve seen a lot of products, and I have to say, the Tribal Weaver has the dopest–that’s how you say it here, correct?–water smoking implements within 15 parsecs.” Zahhak Sobek did not specify which other star systems also had excellent water pipes.

Reptilians (also called reptoids, reptiloids, saurians or draconians) are purported reptilian humanoids that play a prominent role in fantasy, science fiction, ufology, and conspiracy theories. The idea of reptilians on Earth was popularized by David Icke, a conspiracy theorist who claims shape-shifting reptilian aliens control Earth by taking on human form and gaining political power to manipulate our societies. Mr. Icke has claimed on multiple occasions that many of the world leaders are, or are possessed by reptilians. Mr. Icke is also rumored to play with his poop.

“Oh that Icke,” continued Zahhak Sobek responding to a Gish Gallop question regarding his plans for Earth. “He’s actually got his own comedy show back on Nocknon. I think he means well, but we have no interest in your little planet, other than your souvenirs and knick-knacks, which I have to admit is the best. And this cannabis thing here in Nevada County. I don’t want to scare you, but when the news of this weed gets out across the Zeta Reticuli system, you’re gonna see a lot more visits from my people. But don’t trust the Draconians. They’re chronic shoplifters. Just a tip. Do you have a light?”

Reaction from local officials was predictable.

“I’m glad he’s enjoying his Nevada County experience,” said recently appointed council member Ben Aguilar. “We welcome all tourists to Grass Valley. That includes visiting aliens and people from Penn Valley. Come. Stay. Shop. That’s our motto for everyone.”

According to shoppers and clerks at Tribal Weaver, Zahhak Sobek spent almost an hour rummaging through the pipe case before settling on a hand-made water pipe with a weird blue face which he said reminded him of his home planet. He paid with 3 lbs of platinum and told the clerk to keep the change.

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