Palo Alto, CA — Following a 3 year study underwritten by the United Nation’s World Health Organization, the Palo Alto-based Rundex Family Foundation has published a report which finds the majority of American pets eat better and have better healthcare than over 2 billion of Earth’s inhabitants. Moreover, the study finds, that most American pets are doing better than a significant number of American citizens, including children.
“Finding a sample for this study was a real challenge,” said Rundex Family Foundation lead researcher Robert Colvin in a Gish Gallop telephone interview. “It turns out, Americans are really sensitive about this issue. So it was hard to find study subjects. We got a lot of ‘[email protected]# you! This is none of your business’ and ‘I love my dog more than I like people, so no.’ It took almost a year to get a statistically significant sample group. But we finally managed to get one.”
With 56% of U.S. households owning a pet, spending continues to rise as Americans lavished $30.4 billion on their pets last year, up from $17.8 billion in 2000. According to the World Heath organization, human hunger could be eliminated with as little $60 billion dollars or about two years worth of pet care spending.
“When Rundex was approached by the United Nations,” continued Mr. Colvin, “we were a little concerned because we work almost exclusively with private corporate interests. However the executives thought it would be a smart decision to work with the United Nations, even though it’s a published fact that our CEO likes his German Shepherds more than people. He brings his former police dog to board meetings to intimidate them.”
There were several key findings and recommendations in the 327 page study released this past week. Some of the observations included:
- Most American dogs have a higher calorie intake than almost 2 billion people on Earth
- Most American pets, including exotics, have a better access to life-saving vaccines
- The average weight of the American Dog is only 4 kg less than that of 1.3 billion “extreme poverty” adults.
- Many Americans prefer their dogs to pictures of starving children on the Internet
- Americans spend more on pet food in 2 weeks than 1.3 billion people do in a year
- Everyone around the globe enjoys stupid cat videos, except where they eat cats
- Christian outreach has helped, but Bibles are hard to eat even after hours of cooking
Local reaction to the story was predictable.
“I love my pit bulls,” said Merrilee Longshoes as she prepared her coconut oil autism cure in her North San Juan home. “My dogs are on a sustainable vegan diet. They eat only what I can grow, and what I can get from the food bank. I try to keep a zero footprint for my dogs and myself.”
At the time of this writing, the study has reached a United States Congressional committee, but was dismissed by the Republican-dominated Congress as, “[a]nother ploy by the United Nations to compromise American sovereignty.”