Newcastle, England — Tensions against EU foreigners have been high since Brexit in Newcastle, England, where the local football fans describe themselves as “spirited,” and onlookers describe them as “violent maniacs.”
“We’re just tired of foreigners coming over here and stealing what’s rightfully ours like that ball on that football pitch over there. So leave it out, you bloody foreigners. That’s ours!” said local Newcastle United fan Roy Clarkson, wiping a Brazilian child’s blood off his fists. “Anyway, someone mentioned French fisherman or something: as we all know, that’s fighting talk to any sane, rational person.
Clarkson continued. “We ended up in a bit of a scrap, one thing leads to another, and well, the army ended up cordoning off the entire stadium and declaring the area a no-fly zone for all civilian aircraft. Typical Germans. Coming over here and causing trouble”.
The trouble Clarkson mentioned was a full-blown riot between England fans and German fans during a World Cup game. Gish Gallop Understands that England beat Germany one time in the World Cup final in 1966, and British football fans haven’t shut up about it for over 50 years.
“Bloody Germans should have left it well enough alone. We won. Get over it. But they still insist on trying to steal our bloody ball every four years, like clockwork. Does anyone feel like singing a few verses of ‘Ten German Bombers’?” Clarkson looked around, noticed we were recording him with a Dictaphone, and changed the subject, “but at some point, we decided enough is enough. War is hell, and there are only so many German heads you can kick in before it all gets a bit samey. So we thought we’d have a Christmas Day truce, get together with the German fans, and have a nice friendly game of something together instead”.
The truce that Clarkson proposed harkens back to The Christmas Truce, a ceasefire between British and German troops during World War 1, when each side of the conflict joined peacefully for one day to have a game of football together.
“Yeah, we were right inspired by the story of The Christmas Truce, but the trouble is football isn’t the peaceable game it once was,” Clarkson explained as a German fan soared past him down the club’s steps, using a British fan as a toboggan. “We had to develop some activity that was more peaceful than the average football game. So, we’ve decided to have a day where we all shoot machine guns at each other instead. It’s worked a treat. The fatalities have almost halved.”
Crawling for help across the stands, a dying fan briefly interrupted our interview with a body littered with gaping bullet wounds. At this point, Clarkson turned to shout at the fan: “Oi! Stop playing about! We can all tell that’s ketchup! The ref’s not even looking!”
Since the riots have subsided, red poppy flowers have grown on the football pitch in the wake of their devastation. Football fans have resolved to wear these poppies each year on the anniversary of the riots as a reminder that we must never forget the tragedy and futility of war. Fans have also said that if they spot anyone choosing not to wear a poppy, they will beat them to a bloody pulp.