New York, NY — In a press conference today, leading GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump broke his silence regarding rumors of a grudge match between himself and Democratic front-runner Hillary Clinton.
“I celebrate my endorsement by the esteemed Governor Palin by challenging Secretary Clinton to a tag-team match with that loser socialist Bernie Sands, or whatever his name is. He’s a loser.” He continued to berate Clinton and Sanders, saying, “It’s not the type of ‘tag-team’ the Secretary is used to if you get what I mean. I’m talking about sex. I mean she has sex with two people at once.”
The match, pending the response of Clinton and Sanders, is scheduled for April 3rd at Wrestlemania 32 in Arlington, Texas.
“Not only will Trump beat Clinton and Sanders in the election, he’ll beat them in the ring,” Trump said of himself.
Sarah Palin then shocked pundits by forcibly grabbing the microphone from Trump, shouting, “we’ve had enough of Obama and his not you-betcha socialism like Bernie’s free market, and what would you Putin think of them? Hah! We’re non-stoppable!”
Rumored to corner the Trump/Palin duo is Bristol Palin, the Governor’s daughter who, according to her mother Sarah, “can shitkick a hippie without spilling her 40,” but there’s speculation that her brother Track Palin could step in if Bristol ends up pregnant again. Track, fresh off a win over his long-time girlfriend, may hold the edge in aggression, which Trump has described as, “refreshing,” and, “just what this country needs.”
The Clinton camp had not responded as of Tuesday night, but one of Sanders’ aides, speaking off the record, admitted confusion.
“I have no idea what any of this is supposed to prove. I know it’s a lot to ask to have a gentleman’s disagreement with Trump, but isn’t this a little ridiculous? I mean does he expect us to start punching each other in spandex or something?”
Trump, confronted by a reporter with the aides’ comments, responded with, “Shut up you loser moron.