Bemidji, MN — At a recent rally in the birthplace of Paul Bunyan and self-proclaimed “curling capital” of the United States, Trump went off-script to tell his supporters to injure themselves. The nearly 1000-member crowd complied, with almost half the audience falling to the ground in pain.
The President had recently finished a speech telling his supporters how sheep-like Democrats are. It was at that point; for some reason, Mr. Trump felt threatened by that proposition.
“They say the Democrats are a bunch of sheep,” said Trump made some animal sign with his hands, “but my followers are even better sheep. The best sheep. See, go ahead and punch yourself in the crotch. Could you do it now; it’s patriotic. Show how we own the liberals.”
About 50% of the crowd, mostly men, with a few women participating, violently punched themselves in the dick. And in what can only be described as homoerotic overtones, several men gleefully assisted each other in punching each other in the groin. However, what started as an obedient celebration of “MAGA” quickly turned to chaos, and over 500 people fell to the floor in agony.
“Alright, everyone. Time to get back in your seats,” Trump announced to the crowd as if suddenly realizing his mistake. “You certainly showed the liberals who’s tougher? Is Minnesota tough or what? The toughest that I can tell you.”
Following the rally, many spoke of the privilege of punching themselves in the dick.
“What a great honor to get punched like that,” said Kent Anderson, who traveled from Duluth to see the President. “It was almost like President Trump personally punched me in the dick, even though I had my wife do it. That’s what this is all about. You know, showing the libs how we’re not going to take any of their cancel culture BS. We’re in control. And Trump is in control of everything else.”
Given the success of what’s now called “obedience school,” but Trump campaign insiders, the President plans on trying out other orders, such as telling his followers to shoot their semi-automatic weapons into the air and forcefully cough in each other’s faces to prove that COVID-19 is fake.