Washington D.C. — Doctors close to President Trump told the press corp early this afternoon that he is doing fine after accidentally decompressing in the West Wing while preparing to concede the election to Joe Biden. Dr. Jimmy Finch, of the White House physician’s team stressed that this condition is normal for “someone like the President and his current condition,” and that there was “no reason for alarm.” Dr. Finch also asked the media not to mention Mr. Trump’s bulging eyes as he was “quite sensitive about his appearance.”
“The President is doing fine like he always is,” claimed White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany speaking through what appeared to be an interpreter. “He was working a few important issues through his mind when he began to depressurize. Doctors immediately ushered him to the hyperbaric chamber located in the basement. He was there for about 90 minutes until be properly compressed back into his familiar form.”
There were several witnesses to the President’s unusual expansion, including several aides who spoke on condition of anonymity.
“He was walking down the hallway talking to [Vice President] Pence, and he was pretty angry,” said one aide who told us to call her Perky. “Pence was trying to calm him down, but that just made him angrier. At one point, he stopped and turned to him and yelled, ‘You know what the problem is with you, Mike,’ and then the President just blew out like a pufferfish. Everyone screamed, but he didn’t even notice. He just kept yelling at the Vice President.”
At this point, Chief of Staff Mark Meadows came running to the President’s side and attempted to get him to understand the gravity of the situation. After a few minutes, two doctors arrived and transported him to the White House bunker for recompression.
Later in the day, the President dismissed the incident as a routine doctor’s check-up at a press conference.
“I’m fine. Just look at me,” said Trump, which drew giggles from the press team. “I have tremendous doctors, and they took me downstairs to the hyperbolic chamber. You know, like in the old scuba diving movies. It’s nothing, and I feel great.”
According to Dr. Finch, the unplanned decompression’s side effects include eye bulges and a slight limp and should last one to two weeks.