Lake Oahe, ND — The world’s most famous animal comedian Triumph the Insult Dog was attacked with a can of green spray paint by Green Party Presidential Candidate Jill Stein while she attempted to spray-paint a bulldozer. Triumph, who was covering the Standing Rock Sioux Tribe’s challenge of federal regulators’ decision to grant permits to the Dallas-based operators of the Dakota Access Pipeline, was attempting to ask Ms. Stein a series of serious questions when the Presidential hopeful turned the Krylon spray paint can on the dog.
“I was there interviewing the construction crew when this Jill Stein started spraying paint on the Caterpillar,” said an agitated Triumph recovering in Bismarck, North Dakota hospital. “And all I asked her, is if she was going to use her poop instead of that corporate can of poison. Then that asshole sprayed me in me face. And now I am here. She’s messed with the wrong dog, I tell you.”
According to eyewitnesses, Triumph was busy harassing the construction crew. At one point, he compared them to ISIS and Hitler which agitated the heavy equipment operators noticeably, much to the joy of the Rock Sioux Protesters. After almost 20 minutes of badgering, the workers retreated to their portable trailers. Victory, according to one Sioux “was at hand.” At hand until Jill Stein showed up.
“It was going well,” said Standing Rock Sioux tribal Chairman Dave Archambault,” Triumph was doing well and we could see he was making a difference. Then Ms. Stein showed up with many people we didn’t recognized and vandalized the bulldozers. We knew this would cause more trouble for us. When the dog got between her and the bulldozer, she just sprayed him with the green paint. And the workers returned seeing that we were distracted.”
Following the scuffle between Triumph and Jill Stein, the construction workers were able to retrieve their equipment, move them to another part of the project a 100 yards away and continue plowing trenches for the controversial pipeline. Despite all of this, Triumph vows to continue his fight for the right to poop.
“Pooping is an inalienable right,” continued Triumph with a cigar falling out of his mouth,”Jill Stein should have known that and used her poop for protest. Or as I like to call it, the protest poop.”