Monrovia, CA — Trader Joe’s, one of the largest privately-held specialty grocery stores in the United States, has announced plans to offer child adoptions at select locations around California. The announcement, which drew both cheers and jeers from the grocery chain’s rabid following, was made during the company’s annual “Joe-tasm” convention, which draws thousands of Trader Joe’s faithful from all over the country.

“We are excited to offer something our patrons have been asking for some time,” said company spokeswoman Bethany Millbright from the Joe-team podium on the main floor. “And that something is children. Children from all over the world represent the diversity that our loyal customers demand. There will be children from African countries like Sudan and orphan kids from China. We even have the arrangement to procure children from Saskatchewan, Canada!”

According to a memo obtained by Gish Gallop, Trader Joe’s has been working on this “adoption product” for some time now but was having trouble shrink-wrapping children in such a way to prevent suffocation. However, working with a plastic supplier in China, the chain has managed to overcome this obstacle and can keep children fresh for up to 1 week after shipment.

For Justin and Claire Donnally-Smith of Palo Alto, CA, this announcement is welcomed.

“We didn’t want to have children the old-fashioned way,” said Ms. Donnally-Smith speaking with Gish Gallop over Skype. “We’re too busy and need a more convenient way to have kids. So we are excited to get ours from Trader Joe’s. Now I can get my pumpkin spice anal bleach and adopt a child next time I go shopping.”

According to Ms. Millbright, Trader Joe’s will start offering adoptions sometime around February.

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