Orlando, FL — As if the city of Orlando hasn’t been challenged enough the last few days, what with a terrorist attack and a gator snatching a toddler from its family, now a third tragedy rears its ugly head. It’s a parent’s worst nightmare. Something you never expect will happen to you. The hot summer months can create serious hazards for children and pets inside cars.

“This can’t be real,” sobbed Jessica Carrington, the toddler’s mother. “We were having such a nice day. We had been out visiting some friends, doing some shopping, and running errands. It was a beautiful day. I was going to get my hair done in an hour. Who could have expected things to turn out in such a devastating way? I’m not sure I will ever get over this tragic loss.” Ms. Carrington was unable to continue, sobbing uncontrollably.

“It was hot. We just stopped for a quick beer to beat the heat,” pleaded Patrick Carrington, the child’s father. “15 minutes. We were only gone 15 minutes. How can a small child do something like this in only 15 minutes? Now we have lost the one thing that meant the most to us. We waited so long and tried so hard to get this one perfect, beautiful prize. Now it is ruined. Now it is lost.”

“This is not something we like to see happen anywhere,” said Jerry Demings, the beleaguered Orange County Sheriff. “It has been a rough week here in Orlando, and our hearts are very heavy for the losses we have all suffered as a community. We have conducted a thorough investigation into this matter. We have not yet decided if we can recommend charges against the parents for neglecting the toddler. However, there is a feeling that they have lost enough and suffered enough already.”

When Gish Gallop pressed for details of the investigation, the sheriff continued.

“We were summoned here to the strip mall on Orange Coast Drive-by witnesses who saw a man and woman screaming and writhing on the ground. Our officers approached the couple cautiously. Officers identified themselves to the couple and asked what was happening. Wailing with grief, the couple pointed to the emerald green Lexus sedan. When the officers looked through the windows, they were horrified.” The sheriff choked back tears and continued. “A young toddler, strapped tightly into a car seat, was covered with hair extensions and red and purple hair dye. The first officers on the scene described the scene as “the entire interior of the car looked like a beauty supply store had puked on it.”

“The child has been taken to a local hospital to be cleaned up. Unfortunately, the vehicle is a total loss. This is no way for a responsible vehicle owner to treat a luxury automobile,” wept Sheriff Demings.

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