Portland, OR — Area hipster and self-proclaimed postmodern social justice warrior David “Riddle Me” Shoreston has given up his attempts to “subvert the dominant paradigm” with several deliberate acts of protest, which include his skinny jeans. Mr. Shoreston, 30, has been actively fighting “the logocentrism” of a “predominantly patriarchal, white Christian cultural hegemony” since he received his BA in women’s studies from the University of Oregon 2 years ago.
“I’m not giving up the fight. I’m just changing tactics,” said Mr. Shoreston in front Coava Coffee Roasters on Grand Avenue. “My skinny jeans and mechanical typewriter have failed to subvert the dominant paradigm. But don’t worry. I have a hundred tricks up my sleeve to disrupt the oppression of global elites. I’m still planning to block freeway traffic, which we know has been effective in bringing real change.”
When asked to explain what else he has in store in the fight against oppression, Mr. Shoreston grinned.
“Well, there this. This terrifies the police and bankers.” Mr. Shoreston said underneath his man bun. “You see this?” Then, pointing aggressively at his hair, “This scares fascists because they know I’m free from their capitalist hegemony. I’m a free person, and there’s nothing they can do about it.”
Mr. Shoreston then spent the next 15 minutes discussing the functional nuances of power as it exists within knowledge structures and how much of our current categorical “problems” can be traced back to the ancient and seminal Greek philosopher Plato.
“These are teleological issues,” continued Mr. Shoreston. “I bet you’ll use the patriarchal word ‘seminal’ at least once in this article you’re writing, eh? Think about it. Think man. Not everything has a beginning, middle, and end. I mean, there isn’t even a center. It’s all a part of a system to maintain that very powerful patriarchy. Can’t you see? They make up these narratives as a mechanism of control and distraction. I mean, look at Star Wars. It’s a perfect example of the patriarchal hero myth, like westerns before it. Its job is to prop up the dominant political and cultural super-structures.”
As for what Mr. Shoreston will do with his failed skinny jean experiment to subvert the dominant paradigm, he’s not planning a wardrobe change anytime soon.
“I’m still going to wear them. They make a statement, just not what I wanted them to.”