Doonbeg, County Clare — In an attempt to “make good” with the “the locals,” Mike Pence pulled an old college stunt from his past. The Vice President attempted to entertain a crowd of over 50 people in front of Donald Trump’s controversial golf resort in the Republic of Ireland.
“Here’s a little something you didn’t know about me,” said Mr. Pence as he climbed into a well-ironed American-themed jumpsuit, “but they used to call me Cannonball Mike back in college. It was one of the ways I paid my way through college. Well, that and being a fashion model. I hope you enjoy it.”
The Vice President slowly inserted himself into a large metal tube called “The Mighty Pence,” according to Mr. Pence’s spokesperson.
“He hasn’t done this in years,” said the Vice President’s chief of staff Bethany Millbright. “He hoped that reviving an old college routine would gain some favor with the locals who’ve been giving the President a lot of grief over his golf course.”
In He Goes
With both fists clenched and pointing toward the opening, the not gay VP readied himself for the harsh and steady thrust from below.
“Here we go. Brace yourselves,” echoed Mr. Pence’s voice from deep within the shaft. “I’m ready when you are fellas.”
At which point, an assistant yanked the ignition, causing a brief but loud eruption to spew out of the shaft, ejecting the Vice President into the air, over the small crowd, and onto the rooftop of area woman Ailis Eilis.
“Well, what a scut that Mike Pence is,” said Ms. Eilis commenting on the Vice President’s unplanned thud on her roof. “They said Trump is going to pay for the damage but isn’t that grand? May the cat eat you, Mr. Pence, and may the devil eat the cat.”
As for Pence, he seemed shaken but stoic over his mishap, as he was supposed to land 30 feet short of Ms. Eilis’s home onto an inflated air cushion.
“I’m OK. I’m all right,” waved Mr. Pence as the Irish crowd just stared at him from a distance. “Don’t worry about me. I’m just a little spent.”
President Trump called the entire event fake news, saying the event didn’t happen and that Mike Pence attended an Iowa rally convincing his supporters that war is peace, freedom is slavery, and ignorance is our greatest strength.