Grass Valley, CA — Local teenager Kevin Thomas of Grass Valley informed his family at the Thursday Night dinner table that he only likes chicken in nugget form. The 15-year-old, who by all accounts enjoyed all kinds of chicken preparations until this announcement, caught the Thomas family off guard.
“Kevin loved chicken,” said an exasperated Craig Thomas, Kevin’s Father. “All of a sudden he didn’t want to deal with chicken bones. He was claiming he suddenly was a vegetarian, except for chicken nuggets. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say he’s lazy. Yes. That lazy that he doesn’t want to eat it off the bone.”
There’s no doubt that the chicken nugget is a mainstay of the American diet, even if we do jokingly ask, “Where’s the nugget on a chicken?” Robert Baker, a food science professor at Cornell University, invented the chicken nugget in the 1950s. Since then, a lot of research has been dedicated to the oddly shaped finger food. In particular, corporate America has spent billions of dollars targeting children and guilty working parents into buying the “abstract chicken” protein product.
“Look, with no bones and the right amount of flavorings,” said Tyson Foods Director of Communications Stacy Bremfall Williamson. “This becomes the perfect processed food product for picky kids and over-worked parents. Here at Tyson we like to think of ourselves as ‘co-parents’ especially at the dinner table.”
Gish Gallop reached out to Kevin Thomas for his sudden “nugget only” vegetarianism.
“What’s the big deal,” questioned a mouthy Kevin Thomas. “I also eat fish sticks too. And mac-n-cheese. Like, those are good and I get to have them with Ranch. My Dad needs to get off my case. This is my life, not his. Chickens are gross. Nuggets are not.”
As for his Father Craig, he’s not giving up.
“Raising a teenager is not easy,” continued Mr. Thomas. “But this impulsiveness and moodiness is driving me nuts. I guess the best advice is to not let this in my head. But the wife spent some time cooking that whole chicken, and I found his behavior rude and disrespectful towards his mother.”