Teenager Kevin Thomas working hard at holding down the couch
Teenager Kevin Thomas working hard at holding down the couch

Grass Valley, CA — 15-year-old Kevin Thomas of Grass Valley, CA, has opened his family’s refrigerator for the 14th time in the past hour for no apparent reason.

“I keep telling him to get the hell out of the refrigerator,” said his exasperated father, Craig Thomas. “He never gets anything out, but he’ll just stand there and stare into it for a couple of minutes, and then head back to his room.”

All across the modern world, people stare into their refrigerators, looking for answers to their problems. Although each person has different needs and desires, generally, people aren’t looking for food when they peer into their refrigerators for moments at a time, but rather some kind of idiotic enlightenment; a sort of refrigerator “Waiting for Godot” exercise.

“In the existential vacuum of modern life,” commented local clinical psychologist Dr. Ray Stedigator, “where smartphones, Tik Tok, and various other Internet distractions have replaced our spiritual and intellectual lives. It seems obvious that people are looking into something that might provide them with some kind of fulfillment, even if it’s packaged lunch meat.”

Craig Thomas of Grass Valley regrets his decision to purchase a smartphone for his son.
Craig Thomas of Grass Valley is concerned about his son’s behavior.

Kevin’s father isn’t giving up. He’s less concerned about his son’s spiritual needs than his electric bill.

“I know these modern refrigerators are reasonably efficient, but there’s no reason to open the ‘frig that many times in an hour, especially if you don’t get anything out of it. This is a behavior issue that is costing us money,” continued Mr. Thomas.

Gish Gallop reached out to Kevin Thomas for comment, but his only comment was, “I dunno,” followed by a blank stare for a minute or so.

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