Glenns Falls, ID — Judging by his antics during last night’s blistering performance at Eagle’s Lake Bingo & Casino, County Fair rocker Ted Nugent wholeheartedly agrees with President Trump’s executive order banning Muslims from entering the United States.
“I hear those Moslems like underage girls,” Nugent bellowed out during a break between songs, “well I have just the ditty for those subhuman mongrels!” The Glenns Falls’ crowd of die-hard Nugent fans whooped and hollered ‘FUCK ISLAM!’ with chants of TRUMP! TRUMP! TRUMP! echoing throughout the small venue as the 68-year-old Motor City Madman kicked into the song Jailbait.
“Well I don’t care if you’re just thirteen, you look too good to be true, I just know that you’re probably clean, there’s one thing I got to do, JAILBAIT! you look so good to me, JAILBAIT! won’t you set me free, JAILBAIT! you look fine fine fine, JAILBAIT! I know I’ve got to have you in a matter of time!”
Nugent then broached the subject of Sharia Law, and the practice of taking child brides. “Hey people, do you want Sharia Law here in the good ‘ol U.S. of A?” A collective ‘FUCK NO!’ was said could be heard blocks away. “Do you think it’s okay these animals take child brides?” Again, a deafening ‘FUCK NO!’ shook the rafters inside the bingo hall. It was then the Nuge launched into Saddle Sore, a tune he wrote for his then 17-year-old girlfriend he legally adopted so he could have sex with her.
After a lackluster rendition of Tight Spots, Uncle Ted treated Glenns Falls to a crushing version of Girl Scout Cookies.
“I like to eat my girl scout cookies, I could eat them all night long, I like em late at night with a glass of milk, them butter creams go down smooth as silk, I like em late at night when I’m in bed, don’t let them girl scouts go to your head. The coconuts just drive me wild, I buy my cookies fresh from a child, that peanut butter gets stuck to the roof of my mouth, I love them girl scouts east, north, west, and south.
For the encore, Ted pulled out all the stops. With his legions of fans singing along to the classic Wang Dang Sweet Poontang, the Nuge shredded a face melting solo with his trusty Gibson Byrdland that blew up his entire row of Marshall stacks.
“Allahu Akbar Glenns Falls!”
Nugent saluted as the road crew rushed the stage with fire extinguishers, bringing to an end a spectacle the lucky folks of Glenns Falls won’t soon forget.