Des Moines, IA — According to Hollywood insiders, 2024 Presidential hopeful and Tea Party favorite Senator Ted Cruz has announced a multi-year contract with Warner Brothers Pictures to star in as many as 3 Batman films. The deal, which is still mostly under wraps, is purported to be worth millions for the star Texas Senator who will be starring as the iconic villain “The Penguin.”
“Some people call me the Space Cowboy,” said a proud Senator Cruz using the announcement as an opportunity to reach out to Iowa voters and erroneously quoting the 1973 Steve Miller hit The Joker. “Some people call me Maurice, ’cause I speak of the pompatus of love. I am so happy to take on this iconic role. I was born to play the Penguin.”
The Penguin or Oswald Chesterfield Cobblepot is a fictional supervillain appearing in American comic books published by DC Comics, commonly as an adversary of the superhero Batman. The Penguin was bullied as a child for his short stature, weight, and beak-like nose. Canadian-born Presidential candidate Ted Cruz has great difficulty understanding how the Constitution works, frequently throwing tantrums on the Senate floor when he doesn’t get his way.
Psychologists link this behavior to a personality disorder brought on by abusive parents, bullying in childhood, or worse, both. This makes Senator Cruz, with his personality and mood issues, a perfect fit for the Penguin role, and more interestingly, the President of the United States.
“Check it out,” said Senator Cruz on the Senate floor, “we’re gonna disassemble this country and turn it into an H-bomb on wheels. Burn baby, burn! Look around you. This horrible bunch of psychopaths is all begging to join up with me, but unfortunately for them, I only take the best. And today, that means Trump and maybe Rubio. If he’ll stop whining.”
Filming is slated to start just before the 2024 Presidential election. It is unclear at the time of this writing how this will impact the hectic campaign schedule for Senator Cruz, but his campaign spokeswoman Catherine Frazier released this statement.
“We understand there is a lot of buzz surrounding Senator and soon to be President Cruz’s involvement with the Batman film franchise. However, we see this as a catalyst for his Presidency, much like Arnold Schwarzenegger had for his run as California Governor. He will be able to accommodate the aggressive film schedule, his Senatorial duties, and of course, the rigor of campaigning. That, unto itself, should convince the American people that he’s the man for the job.”