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A man walked onto the Colorado campus this morning and began what survivors call a stabbing spree.
Officials are urging calm stating that there is no "significant outbreak" in Cedar Creek, CA.
What makes Home Depot's announcement novel is not that they're funding sections of the wall but rather how they will do it.
For their part, most Americans cherish their billionaire overlords.
"That's where it starts to get creepy," said Dilbert in a brief press conference outside the Martinez courthouse. "Who does that? It makes a house look like a person. Look, I respectfully decline the invitation to join his hallucination. And he needs to stay away from me."