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Mass-Stabbing in Colorado Leaves Many Dead, Several Wounded and a Few Scratched

A man walked onto the Colorado campus this morning and began what survivors call a stabbing spree.

Military Officials: “No Measurable Outbreak” in Cedar Creek, CA

Officials are urging calm stating that there is no "significant outbreak" in Cedar Creek, CA.

Trump Calls Punching Self in Dick “Patriotic”

Following the rally, many spoke of the privilege of punching themselves in the dick.

Home Depot Promises to Sponsor 129 Miles of Border Wall if Trump is Re-elected

What makes Home Depot's announcement novel is not that they're funding sections of the wall but rather how they will do it.

God Applauds Fake News Ban

God, the creator of all, the seer of everything that is, has been and will be is reportedly overjoyed with recent moves by popular Internet companies to limit and in some cases out-right ban so-called fake news sites.

Many Billionaires Warn Americans of the Dangers of Socialism

For their part, most Americans cherish their billionaire overlords.

Skydiver Caught by 737 Dragged For 200 Miles

A Manteca, CA man is lucky to be alive following an encounter with a Boeing 737.

Dilbert Seeks Restraining Order Against Creator Scott Adams

"That's where it starts to get creepy," said Dilbert in a brief press conference outside the Martinez courthouse. "Who does that? It makes a house look like a person. Look, I respectfully decline the invitation to join his hallucination. And he needs to stay away from me."
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