Atlantic City, CA — The national “usCrow” affiliate militia the New Jersey Minutemen briefly seized control of the Trump Taj Mahal over the weekend on an anonymous tip that the struggling casino and resort was harboring Islamic terrorists. A group of 17 camouflaged middle-aged men stormed the lobby early Saturday morning and shouted for everyone to “get the hell down” as they leaped behind the front desk and took up other strategic locations around the hotel.

“I was just down in the lobby reading the New York Times,” said retired Canadian pensioner Aaron  Amperstein in a telephone interview. “And in rushed these father-type guys, some of them a little portly if you know what I mean, and they demanded that everyone get down. The leader of the group had this ‘camo’ make up on like he was in the jungle or something. He had a megaphone and told everyone they’re the good guys, and they were here to rescue us from this mosque. I did what they said, but I have no idea why they were doing this.”

According to accounts later made public in police reports, the 17 men were led by life insurance salesman Nick “the Deed” Archer of Livingston, New Jersey. He was the sole contact in an anonymous tip that the struggling Trump property was a Mosque harboring Islamic terrorists.

“The tip came in on our Facebook page,” said Mr. Archer at home on house arrest following a $2 million bail bond payment from an anonymous supporter. “It came in on Thursday and told us, well me, that Moslem [sic] terrorists were holed-up in the Taj Mahal planning their next attack. And it all made sense being the Taj Mahal is such a symbol of Moslems all over the world. And then the Paris thing happened. So I rounded up the [New Jersey] Minutemen, and we headed off. We have been planning this for over 11 years.”

After about 1 hour, the Militia was not able to find any terrorist presence at the resort. By that time, a sizable police and SWAT presence had developed outside the hotel’s perimeter and was busy negotiating a peaceful surrender. Some guests reported that late in the siege, a few of the militiamen helped themselves to the breakfast buffet in the lobby.

After about an hour, members of the militia were seen sampling the free Continental breakfast.
After about an hour, members of the militia were seen sampling the free Continental breakfast.

Gish Gallop spoke to angry Taj Mahal General Manager to get his understanding of the situation.

“I was told by Trump Properties not to talk about this event with the press,” said Taj Mahal GM. “I mean, it’s obvious how inconvenient this is for the Trump Presidential Campaign. But I will say this; this is a resort and not a Mosque. The Taj Mahal in India is a mausoleum. So we’ve been spending our time comping rooms for our guests and trying to get operations back to normal.”

The Militia’s parent organization, usCrow, said it had no specific comment on the matter, but added this action was neither known nor encouraged by them.

“We run a loose Confederacy of Militia groups, of which the New Jersey Minuteman is but one of 6 in the Garden State,” said CERT and FEMA-certified usCrow spokesman Ron Hardin. “We do not condone nor frankly understand this action by the group, hopefully for obvious reasons.”

According to police reports, the Militia surrendered without incident in a peaceful fashion. All 17 members were taken into custody and booked with armed invasion and assault charges.

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