Elko, NV — The Department of Transportation issued a memo to train and truck operators warning of an increase in “attacks from massive house cats.” According to the document and further statements from Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg, the assaults on the nation’s freight infrastructure have become more frequent and aggressive over the past couple of months.
“When cats are economically or socially dislocated, they are always more vulnerable to being radicalized,” said Secretary Buttigieg, speaking with Fox News Sunday host Chris Wallace about what’s being called ‘cat terror attacks’ on the nation’s infrastructure. “I believe we need to find a way to work, and yes, live with these cats. Physically robust infrastructure is not enough if it fails to foster a healthy community; ultimately, all infrastructure is social. Even for cats.”
Data provided by the Department of Transportation and the FBI suggest that there are, on average, approximately 1-2 large housecat attacks per week contributing to and exacerbating our current supply chain issues.
“They’re mostly attacking our freight operations,” said Union Pacific chief operating officer and well-known “son-of-a-bitch” Don Mount, who wished to remain anonymous. “Amtrak says a couple of their trains were attacked in Connecticut, but that’s been going on for decades now and not new news. But these attacks on our cargo lines in Nevada are very concerning.”
Of course, the big question on everyone’s mind is where did these massive housecats come from, and why are we just now discussing them?
There are several theories of origin, but perhaps the most interesting comes from a Nothern California self-proclaimed conspiracy theorist Skyy Wolford of North San Juan, CA. Mr. Wolford, who was recently in the news following his landmark Wi-Fi disability settlement, has been studying what he calls “the cat anomaly” for the past three years.
“The government isn’t going to tell you this, but this cat anomaly is not new,” said a mood-elevated Wolford speaking via an encrypted video call. “It’s kinda like a science fiction movie, but in this case, it’s real. The DoD (Department of Defense) and the CIA ran radiation and growth hormone experiments in the 1960s called Project Paws to defeat communism with humongous felines. The project worked. Well, it worked against us and not the commies.”
Speaking of the Department of Defense, officials say they know the huge cat problem and have taken “humane steps” to help “mitigate the threat.”
“We can bomb them as we do overseas. That wouldn’t be very humane,” said General William “Old Blood and Guts” Kunt, who is in charge of the Elko, Nevada anti-cat field operations. “So we’re trying a few novel things, including reaching out to the private sector. Elon Musk suggested we truly a massively large ball of yarn, which we tried with some success. We’ve also tried 420 bales of catnip, but that just made the troops ill. It’s a work in progress, one we expect to win.”
So far, the large housecats cost the US economy over 42 billion dollars in the past two weeks, and according to Congressional General Accounting Office, that number is expected to spike in the run-up to Christmas.