Study author Penny Pax sighing in disappointment
Study author Penny Pax sighing in disappointment

Palo Alto, CA — In a surprising new study, scientists have concluded there is no discernible correlation between the amount of red meat consumed and the raw masculinity of the men consuming it. The study, surveying 2,200 randomly selected men, examined their diets over the course of six months, while gauging the masculinity of their various activities and lifestyle choices, with startling results.

“We asked volunteers to keep a dietary journal and fill out questionnaires regarding their habits,” said study author Penny Pax. “We looked at how they earned a living, their hobbies, as well as their attitudes and how often they talked about several topics, among them red meat.”

The results were, according to Pax, fairly predictable.

“What we found was that the more a man talked about red meat, the less impressive he was overall,” she said. “We see a direct correlation between bragging about steak dinners and a host of negative traits; for example being out of shape, a heightened sense of entitlement, and being quicker to take offense.  It’s almost as if they had accomplished nothing worth mentioning, and had no interesting hobbies to speak of, so they desperately latched on to how much they barbeque to reclaim some of their faded manhood.”

“Moreover, there’s a strong correlation between red meat intake and how impressed a man is with himself. It’s like they’re wrestling lions for the meat,” she sighed, rubbing her temples wearily. “Some of them are literally sending women to go get it from the store for them.”

Pax admitted there was some subjectivity to what was considered masculine for the purposes of the study
Pax admitted there was some subjectivity to what was considered masculine for the purposes of the study

What the study did not find was any type of measurable improvement in areas traditionally considered masculine, such as strength, sporting achievements including the martial arts, or distinguished military service. While Pax and her colleagues did find some corner cases, for example body builders who consumed increased red meat, these were small in number and explainable, in this case due to the increased consumption of everything by body builders. And when bragging was controlled for, there was a measurable difference in how big of an asshole the respondent was.

Not all participants in the study were happy with the outcome. Carl Rennie of Grass Valley, California, a retired gun enthusiast, was dismayed to find his hobby not included in those considered masculine.

“I can split a rabbit’s head from 100 yards,” he said, “how is that not manly?”

Pax admitted there was some subjectivity to what was considered masculine for the purposes of the study, but defended the exclusion of most shooting hobbies.

“We looked at the results of a previous study that strongly correlated paranoia and cowardice with gun enthusiasts, so while we had some trouble deciding how to weight various hobbies, most of those weren’t even considered near the top.”

Pax went on to state her intention to conduct a follow-up study on men who send women unsolicited pictures of their dicks, hypothesizing that that group would be, “even sadder” than this one.

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