San Francisco, CA — The Rundex Family Foundation has released its annual “Top Baby Names Report” for 2017 with some expected and surprising results. This year, Rundex partnered with IBM’s Watson Technology to harvest the super computer’s ability to parse “big data,” which yielded not only interesting results, but also offered the famous Palo Alto-based research firm the ability to present data, in the words of lead researcher Robert Colvin, “in a more precise way.”
“The data doesn’t lie,” said Mr. Colvin from his Mountain View home office, “and it’s clear that blue states are overwhelming naming their children after war-torn Middle East cities and towns. And topping the blue state list is the Mosul for boys, and Fallujah for girls. Rounding out the top five in no particular order are the Syrian cities of Aleppo, Hama, Palmyra and Raqqa.”
Watson is a question answering computer system capable of answering questions posed in natural language, developed in IBM’s DeepQA project with the original, and some say playful purpose of answering a question first posed in Douglas Adams’ fantasy book series Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Since then it’s been used to analyze heath care data, humiliate smart people on the Jeopardy TV game show, and most recently with IBM secret SkyNet initiative to make, as IBM insiders have claimed, “make humans more efficient.”
According to Mr. Colvin, using Big Blue’s powerful artificial intelligence Watson allowed them to categorize the findings at a very granular level.
“Well look, that’s the thing,” continued Mr. Colvin, “Before Watson the data gathering effort was really challenging and subject to great dispute. Now we have report categories for Red and Blue states, counties, and even as a joke, I collated the data for my home town of Fresno[California]. In case you’re wondering the top boy’s name there is Hayden, followed by Raydon, Laidenn and Brayden respectfully for white families who voted for Hillary Clinton and live in ranch-style homes with lawn irrigation systems.”
As for red state tallies, Mr. Colvin offered this observation.
“Well, not much change there. I mean we’re still getting a lot of Hanks and Bethanys. And of course lots of Christian names. I was happy to see Robert in the top 10 for the 67th year in Indiana. Nothing really noteworthy, to be honest.”
As for why Mosul was the top baby name for blue state residents, Mr. Colvin didn’t offer and sociological insight.
“Look, I’m just the data guy,” bristled an irritated Colvin. “I didn’t do well in those hippie humanities classes. I’m about numbers and objectives, so I don’t make those kinds of assessments. Politicians and news personalities can do that kind of stuff.”