St. Louis, MO — The popular late-night paranormal/conspiracy radio show Coast To Coast A.M (C2CAM) has been the subject of an FCC-sponsored study by the Palo Alto-based Rundex Family Foundation. The FCC commissioned the 2 year study after several listeners were injured in automobile accidents while listening to the show.
During the course of the study, lead researcher Robert Colvin wanted to find out if the show actually caused people to fall asleep.
“Well, that data doesn’t lie,” said Mr. Colvin from his Palo Alto office. “A full 83% of Coast to Coast listeners fall asleep within the first hour of the show. But more interestingly, they continued listening in their sleep. This, of course, is great news for ‘Coast’ advertisers who can still reach listeners while they’re sleeping and sell their prostate shrinking pills.”
George Noory has been the host of C2CAM since 2003 after he took over for Art Bell. During the course of an interview with Mr. Noory, we discovered that the findings didn’t surprise him.
“This study proves what I have thought for a long time,” Noory said. “My listeners can only take so much of our intense topics before they konk out. I have trouble staying awake through it sometimes, to be honest. And I stand up through the whole show,” he chuckled. “My producer has pre-recorded responses from me to play when I nod off. That’s our secret. Don’t print that.”
Shortly after the study was released, the Federal Motor Carrier Administration (FMCSA), who regulates the trucking industry, decided to make it illegal for truck drivers to listen while operating a truck.
A spokesperson for the agency told Gish Gallop, ” It is unbelievable that more people haven’t been killed in wrecks listening to that show.”
Many of C2CAM listeners, that is those that can stay awake, have a number of theories about why the show causes people to fall asleep.
“I think it is mind control”, said a listener named Zed. “The government has used it for years to pacify the population. They use sound waves to lull you to sleep, then BAM! They take control of your body to do their bidding. I have 15 cases of prostate pills to prove it.”
Other theories include, aliens putting us to sleep to abduct humans for experiments. Sasquatch, no other explanation, just Sasquatch.