Not coming to San Francisco.
Not coming to San Francisco.

San Francisco, CA — Authorities speaking for the space research and exploration organization Starfleet have confirmed a long-rumored decision to postpone construction of the San Francisco-based Starfleet Academy, as well as the groundbreaking of a more permanent Starfleet Headquarters in the same vicinity, citing systemic violence as the cause.  Also in question is the launch site of the revolutionary test rocket, The Enterprise AA-01.

“While we feel that San Francisco itself is a cultural fit, the American love affair with weaponry isn’t,” said Astrophysicist and Starfleet representative Frank Archer. “Starfleet would reconsider its decision if adequate steps were taken to curb the rampant zeal for firearms,” he continued. When asked what steps Starfleet would consider “adequate,” Archer responded, “At this point anything would help. Maybe make it illegal to name them after your ex-girlfriend and take them out to dinner.”

Jim Shoemaker, a Grass Valley, CA plumber, criticized what he saw as hypocrisy.

“These scientists spend all day making death beams and then tell me I can’t carry my shotgun Linda into Chipotle? Well I’m an American, and these colors don’t run!”

“Starfleet is about exploring the unknown, learning the mysteries of the universe, and hopefully meeting and coexisting with new and fascinating races,” said Archer. “While we aren’t going to explore the final frontier unarmed, we’re confident we can solve most problems with diplomacy, creativity, and empathy.”

The National Rifle Association and the Oath Keepers militia released a joint statement calling Starfleet, “a bunch of libtard pussies.”

Starfleet is reportedly considering The Netherlands, England, or, according to sources close to Starfleet Command, really anywhere in the post-industrialized world but America.

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