Former Press Secretary Sean Spicer outs Tiffany Trump.
Former Press Secretary Sean Spicer outs Tiffany Trump.

Washington, D.C. — Tiffany Arianna Trump, the 23-year-old daughter of U.S. President Donald J. Trump, revealed plans to become a man and join the army during a formal “coming out” ceremony with friends and family Tuesday night at the White House, former press secretary Sean Spicer said this morning.

“Sad, very sad,” Trump said to his daughter, according to Spicer, who relayed the information on behalf of witnesses to the ceremony who asked to remain anonymous for fear of reprisal from incoming White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci.

“You have to love people,” Trump said. “And if you love people, such a big responsibility. I thought it would be easier. I don’t want to talk about it.”

Tiffany is said to have taken her father’s response in stride, and is currently writing a song about the experience which she plans to debut during a performance at Pride 2018. It will be her first release since the burgeoning artist’s 2014 single “Like a Bird.”

Ms. Trump’s publicist has not yet responded to numerous text messages asking for comment.

The 71-year-old grandfather is said to have spent a sleepless night before announcing sweeping changes to the United States military’s recruitment policies in order to prevent Tiffany from pursuing her dream.

“After consultation with my Generals and military experts, please be advised that the United States Government will not accept or allow Transgender individuals to serve in any capacity in the U.S. military,” Trump tweeted early the next morning. “Our military must be focused on decisive and overwhelming victory and cannot be burdened with the tremendous medical costs and disruption that transgender in the military (sic) would entail.”

Tiffany happens to be the only member Trump’s immediate family who is of draftable age, but sources in the West Wing have informed Gish Gallop that she failed to register for the selective service act.

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