The Mooch CAN suck his own cock
The Mooch can suck his own cock.

Washington, D.C. — Newly appointed White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci sought to differentiate himself from President Donald J. Trump’s former campaign manager Steve Bannon Thursday morning during an interview with the New York Times. “I’m not Steve Bannon,” Scaramucci said. “I’m not trying to suck my own cock.”

But that’s not true, according to former Press Secretary Sean Spicer, who spoke on condition of anonymity.

“The Mooch CAN suck his own cock,” Spicer said in a fervent late night email. “I’ve seen it. Period.”

Spicer did not respond to follow-up questions regarding the circumstances under which he witnessed Scaramucci “auto-fellate,” but when found hiding in a shrubbery by Gish Gallop’s D.C. correspondent, he did admit to participation in a homoerotic encounter with Scaramucci and two male prostitutes who were “paid to watch” during this year’s annual retreat at Bohemian Grove in Northern California.

Scaramucci is rumored to have invested significant time and money in private “one on one” yoga instruction in New York City during his time on Wall Street. Due to his insistence that the young men training him to sign non-disclosure agreements, however, those rumors could not be confirmed until the emergence of photographic evidence.

The picture, furnished by Spicer, depicts a smiling and scantily clad Scaramucci deep in the yoga position known as “plow pose” while a visibly uncomfortable Spicer observes him from some nearby bushes in what may or may not be a state of undress.

It is not yet clear which of Scaramucci’s little-known lifestyle choices factored into the decision of his wife, Deidre Ball, to file for divorce Friday morning only citing her current husband’s “naked political ambition.” She did, however, question why and how her husband came to be so certain that Bannon can only “try” to suck his own cock.

Official sources at the white house did not respond to numerous requests for comment by deadline.

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