Smartest Man In The World Drives Like An Asshole



Denver, CO — Everyone agrees that the roads are a dangerous place. Accidents happen daily, sometimes they are deadly. Many accidents are caused by drivers getting in too big of a hurry or people “texting” and not paying attention to the road.

Samuel Richards has been proclaimed the “smartest man in the world” with 7 degrees, an Oxford Fellowship, a Nobel Prize and the winner of a ballroom dancing championship. Mr. Richards has one major flaw: he drives like an asshole. Samuel has compiled 45 citations, 11 at fault accidents, killed 7 squirrels and 1 dog. He weaves in and out of traffic, often while texting on his phone, while he speeds in and around everyone in a construction zones when lanes are closed.

Gish Gallop spoke to Samuel, or Fellow Richards as he asked us to call him.

“I’m an excellent driver, I wrote entire thesis papers on my iPad while driving,” said Fellow Richards. “As for the accident, I was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. The citations, the police target me because I’m a god-damned genius.”

Fellow Samuel is currently not allowed to operate a motor vehicle due to a license suspension. He rides the bus back to his hometown of Nevada City, where he is considering running the soon to be vacated City Council spot. Just another feather in his cap.

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Cleveland Sam, born Sam C. Sharpe, is a hero, a hero to anyone who knows him in Ohio. At the mere age of 7, he rescued a small girl from the clutches of a herd of llamas outside his boyhood home of Cleveland, OH. By the age of 12, he had already rescued over 14 children from near deaths ranging from freak ice cream truck accidents, to drownings in neighbors' Dough Boy Pools. But his heroism didn't stop at youth. No sir. As a teenager, he saved the entire cheerleading squad of his local high school from certain death with their "party van" caught fire during a local "rager." He writes for Gish Gallop because he feels he needs to rescue it. He's probably correct.