Denver, CO — Everyone agrees that the roads are a dangerous place. Accidents happen daily. Sometimes they are deadly. Many accidents are caused by drivers getting in too big of a hurry or people “texting” and not paying attention to the road.

Samuel Richards has been proclaimed the “smartest man in the world” with 7 degrees, an Oxford Fellowship, a Nobel Prize, and the winner of a ballroom dancing championship. However, Mr. Richards has one major flaw: he drives like an asshole. Samuel has compiled 45 citations, 11 at-fault accidents, and killed seven squirrels and one dog. He weaves in and out of traffic, often while texting on his phone, and speeds in and around everyone in construction zones when lanes are closed.

Gish Gallop spoke to Samuel, or Fellow Richards, as he asked us to call him.

“I’m an excellent driver. I wrote entire thesis papers on my iPad while driving,” said Fellow Richards. “As for the accident, I was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. Hence, the citations, the police target me because I’m a god-damned genius.”

Fellow Samuel is currently not allowed to operate a motor vehicle due to a license suspension. So he rides the bus back to his hometown of Nevada City, where he is considering running for the soon-to-be-vacated City Council spot. Just another feather in his cap.

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