Nevada City, CA — Kevin Thomas has it all figured out. And he likes to explain his insights hourly to his entire family. He thinks his younger brother is pretty much the reason that everything sucks.
“Why does he still watch lame Minecraft videos? Maybe because he’s retarded,” exclaimed Kevin. Kevin’s younger brother, Todd, responded, “I know you are but what am I?”
Kevin’s father Craig has had enough. “We don’t use language like that in this household, mister. We don’t say ‘retarded’ anymore, we say ‘disabled.’ And besides, your brother Todd is not disabled.”
Kevin doesn’t care. Not one bit. “This family is so stupid, it’s hard to imagine it. Everything is wrong and stupid. My dad and mom won’t let me get on the Internet on certain days, but all my friends have their own iPads and provider accounts with no data caps. Not here, I live in the Stone Age with these people.”
Craig explained further. “Free Internet, anytime with any device? Unlimited bandwidth usage? Are you fucking kidding me? Hey, that’s a great idea. Oh, and let’s build a meth lab in the basement. Or ‘E’, that’s a good one too. Let the kids just drench their brains with serotonin 24/7/365.”
Kevin still doesn’t care. His dad is an idiot.
“Besides, my brother Todd needs to learn how all of this works,” explained Kevin. “Otherwise he’s going to end up an emotional cripple. They’ll need to put a helmet on his sad little feelings…you can’t let a 6th-grader like this be such a total dipshit. He needs help.”
Todd disagrees. “If my brother would stop being such a [removed], everything would be fine. He wanted me to help him download some mods, which I did, and then he just copied them to his hard drive and installed them on his computer. But he didn’t help me install them on my computer like he promised. He is a horrible brother. I hate him.”
Kevin and Todd’s mother, Glenda, is the peacemaker. “My boys love each other like the dickens. They are so sweet most of the time. But when they get on the Internet at the same time, watch out. Fireworks!” Glenda still uses a flip phone and has no idea what all the fuss is about. “Craig takes care of the technical stuff. Like the dishwasher, for example, last week he was able to pull it out of the serving island and change out some hoses. It’s a Bosch so we need to keep it going even though it’s almost 20 years old. These old Bosch models were great dishwashers in their time.”
Kevin, Todd, and Craig could all care less about what Glenda thinks, at least when it comes to Internet access.
Mr. Thomas just wants to solve the problem.
“It’s an Internet problem. When Glenda and I are trying to get work done from the home office, we can’t all be on there at the same time. There just ain’t enough pipe. We have shitty DSL, which we pay through the nose for. They call it ‘U-verse’ but up here in Grass Valley that’s complete and total bullshit. It’s a fucking farce. The AT&T execs should be tarred and feathered at the county line. Rode outa town on a rail.”
Since there are no longer any railroad tracks in Nevada City, Gish Gallop tried to acquire more details regarding Craig’s idea. “It’s a metaphor, you idiots. Did you guys go to college?”
Mr. Thomas was presented with CVs from Gish Gallop staff, and he seemed satisfied, at least for now. “Even though Parker’s degree from the University of Phoenix has limited applications to the real-world business environment, I guess it’s better than the local community college. A BS or BA is always better than an AA. Not that I would know, my high school degree has served me well enough. But I’m a go-getter.” Thomas, a technology consultant with Verizon and currently supervising the Grass Valley Verizon office in the Fowler Center, was less enamored with Gish Gallop Editor-At-Large Lou LaPlante’s education. “Wow, a BS in rhetoric from the South Harmon Institute of Technology. Not impressed.”
Brothers Kevin and Todd had the last words. “While you were getting your ears filled with crap in the family room with my mom and dad, I was busy wrapping Todd in a blanket and dragging him down the stairs. It’s good therapy, clears his head.”
Todd was not as happy. “Kevin will always be a douche…DOUCHE!!!”
Craig yelled from the family room, “We don’t say douche in this house anymore, mister! Feminine hygiene product, whatever. But no more douche.” Craig then turned off the router and the kids finally went to bed.