Nevada County, CA — You don’t hear much about animal husbandry in the news these days. Sure, we have the 4H and NCAPSPCHAFFA, but the men and women running these farms you just don’t hear their voices very much. Far less is heard from their livestock.
The recent announcement about President Obama not running for a third term has shaken up the political machines, and the sheeple will be a-flocking. This is where a local sheep named Bud comes in. Bud has majestic, cascading locks of white wool flowing over his shoulders and a white face framed between two droopy ears.
“Look, I’m seriously sick of hearing the term ‘sheeple’ from the ‘human beings’ who collectively stand behind mindless killing in countries halfway around the world,” argues the sheep…er, Bud, “I know when there’s danger, or whatever, I know we sheep all run off in the same direction, but humans are the only species I have seen that, as a group, run directly toward danger. Sheep are not that stupid.”
We asked Bud if he was old enough to remember the term ‘Lemmings’.
“Yeah, I remember lemmings. They were those cute little critters that would just follow each other blindly right off the cliff every year. And die. That doesn’t seem a very likely story, but at any rate, the term ‘lemmings’ seems much more appropriate than ‘sheeple’ for describing the only species that travels thousands of miles to kill other people…and be killed. We sheep don’t kill ourselves or others. We believe the land is sacred and a place to promote life.”
Bud’s companions, or maybe his family I couldn’t tell stood nodding their approval as our interview progressed, some bleating odd slogans like “Hookers for Hillary!” and “Chemtrails Kill!” as others would take up the bleating to start some sort of chant. Bud was quick to silence them every time.
“Look, we all need to have an independent voice,” explained Bud from his pasture out in that ‘gray area’ between Penn Valley and Rough and Ready, “if I am to win the Oval Office, you people need to have a divergence of opinion, and yet still follow me. I need to hear all voices, all opinions in order to be a good steward of the people. I need you all to be able to disagree and then still follow me.”
I kept my mouth shut as to whether that was what the head lemming was saying as he marched everyone off the cliff. Just, nobody knows the language of lemmings. What did you think? A species like that can only live once. One and done, folks.
Bud pointed out that one of his first acts as President, once he wins Obama’s job, will be to officially ban the word ‘sheeple’ from the Country and in local online forums.
“The earth is flat, sheeple!” yelled one of the sheep present. “Bernie or bust, sheeple!” bleated another.
“No, I’m tired of it. The word ‘sheeple’ has gotten out of control since Alex Jones was throwing around the term back in 2000. He just liked the portmanteau. Yeah, Alex. You’re a regular H.C. Earwicker.”
“I think it’s time to bring ‘Lemmings’ back as the official word for animals that kill themselves and others. Sheep just don’t do that. When you want to call that dude on Facebook ‘sheeple’, don’t do it. I’m about to make that shit illegal.”
As of this writing, Bud, who gave us no last name, has been drafting his platform, fundraising, and filing his papers to run as an Independent for President of the United States. He did, however, tell Gish Gallop in an email that we could expect an economic boom in the country, as he would “rather have a Whole Foods Market in this country than a Wal-Mart!”
Author’s note As I researched this story, I discovered how truly smart, and sometimes brave, sheep really are. At least in Nevada County. I would hate to disparage any of our wonderful livestock. I, personally, have vowed never to use the word ‘sheeple’ again. I will stand behind Bud the Sheep for President, lemmings be damned.