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Pontiac, MI — Area, self-proclaimed ‘good guy with a gun’ Wilburn Marvin accidentally overslept this morning and could not defend victims during an active shooter incident at an area mall. Mr. Marvin, a gun collector and an outspoken critic of what he calls “libtard Democrats,” says he feels no regrets about missing his opportunity to be a hero.

“Well, I guess I should have gone to bed earlier last night,” said Mr. Marvin speaking via telephone earlier today. “But there was this great Nazi marathon on the History Channel last night. Oh, well.”

“The only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun” is a refrain often heard from gun rights activists and gun advocacy groups such as the National Rifle Association or the NRA. Numerous studies demonstrate how this notion is not only a form of confirmation bias for gun supporters, amateur and even trained “good guys” are more likely to injure innocent people than neutralize an active shooter situation.

Michigan Has Liberal Gun Laws

Michigan is known for its ardent embrace of gun rights, has some of the most liberal policies in the country. Individuals with a handgun carry license are permitted to carry openly, per Michigan a House Bill. Non-residents from states whose permits are recognized by Michigan are also allowed to open carry under the new law. The state does not restrict NFA weapons, such as machine guns and assault rifles, that are legally possessed under federal law and do not require background checks for firearms’ private sales.


Witnesses Wonder Where Wilburn Is

Witnesses of the active shooter incident, some of whom were injured, express dismay at Mr. Marvin’s absence.

“When we heard the shooting, we just figured Wilburn would take care of it. You know, just like he claims on Facebook all the time,” said Delphina Williams, who had just escaped the school. “So we just hid in the closets, and I told my colleague, ‘don’t worry, Wilburn will be here any minute.’ When he didn’t arrive, that’s when we decided to get out of here.”

Upon hearing of the shooting and Mr. Marvin’s absence, NRA Chief Executive Wayne LaPierre doubled down on his assertion that we need more armed citizens.

“Look, the good guys can’t be everywhere at the same time. See, this is why we need more arms in the hands of people who mean to harm us. Think of how much good a Walmart greeter could have done if he was properly armed?”

For its part, Walmart said despite the shooting, it will continue to offer firearms and ammunition for the foreseeable future.