Washington, D.C. — In a shocking turn of events, former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer announced that he was abandoning his mainstream life to follow the rock band Phish.
“There’s only so much a man can take, you know? He hated my suits and wanted me to change my hair. Have you seen his hair? He kept accusing me of being on SNL and colluding with Rosie O’Donnell. I kept making up wilder and wilder claims to justify his statements, but no one was buying it. I can only take so much humiliation.”
However, what he said next raised more than one eyebrow on Good Morning America, where he made the announcement. The red-faced and sweaty now former Press Secretary went on.
“So, it came to me suddenly in the dead of night, ‘follow your dreams, Sean.’ I’ve been a rabid closet Phish fan since my college days. I’ve never been as happy in my life as I was that Summer I followed Phish across the country. So, I’m throwing caution to the wind, and I will recreate that happiness and follow my bliss. I mean, the way things are going, he’s going to get us all blown up anyway, so I might as well go out high on mushrooms listening to Manteca on the Page side Rage side, with a pretty hippie chick twirling next to me and a balloon of nitrous in my hand.”
Phish is known for musical improvisation, extended jams, blending of genres, and a dedicated fan base. Its music blends elements of various genres, including funk, progressive rock, psychedelic rock, folk, country, jazz, blues, bluegrass, and pop. Although the band has received little radio play or mainstream exposure, Phish has developed a large and dedicated following by word of mouth, exchanging live recordings, and sold over 8 million albums and DVDs in the United States.
According to sources close to the former Press Secretary, Mr. Spicer owns every record and bootleg recording and an extensive video collection of their live performances.
The White House refused to comment. However, one anonymous insider offered a possible motive behind Mr. Spicer’s strange announcement today.
“He’s been under tremendous pressure,” said former Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham speaking on MSNBC this morning. “And I guess he just collapsed into a mid-life crisis. Of course, President Trump is not happy about it. But I hope Sean finds what he’s looking for out there.”