Washington D.C. — California Representation Adam Schiff failed to arouse Republican and a few Democrat Senators today with an audacious parrot Microsoft PowerPoint animation. During his opening remarks, Mr. Schiff scolded the Senate leadership for not allowing witnesses during the impeachment trial of President Donald J. Trump. He also said, following his testimony, that he wanted to spice things up a bit.
“When you think about it, how often does a member of the House of Representatives get to address the Senate,” said Mr. Schiff speaking outside the chamber to CNN’s Manu Raju. “This is going to be a partisan resolution by Mitch McConnell, and I’m sure it will be drafted with the House Intelligence lawyers to give the President every advantage, I will say this, though. There’s nothing like a playful PowerPoint animation and a few zippy transitions to keep the audiences riveted.”
Despite a threat of imprisonment for speaking with the media, several observers said while they were impressed with the congressman’s preparation, they found his PowerPoint acumen amateur at best.
“Senator Romney just kept rolling his eyes,” said an anonymous observer who asked that her name not be revealed. “He kept scribbling on his notepad ‘BORING’ in all caps. And Senator [Lindsey] Graham kept mumbling something about how he was much better at PowerPoint. Senator Collins briefly fell asleep and started drooling a bit.”
When Mr. Schiff learned of the criticism from the Senators, he initially seemed disappointed but soon grew angry.
“Everyone’s a critic,” continued Rep. Schiff. “I don’t think that’s at all the desired result here. The desire is to get a commitment from the Senate that they’re going to have a fair trial. Fair to the President, yes, but fair to the American people. But for my next PowerPoint [presentation], I’m going to try cats. Everyone loves cats.”
No other Impeachment House Manager chose to decorate their presentation with animations. The president’s lawyer Jay Sekulow decided not to use PowerPoint at all, instead opting for a series of aggressive grunts, followed by occasional and inadvertent spittle ejected from his mouth aimed at Illinois Senator Dick Durbin, who seemed to enjoy it.