North Pole — Coronavirus has ravaged its way across the world and destroyed hope in 2020. It seems hope has taken another hit as Santa Claus has tested positive for the virus and is in the North Pole’s Pfizer Hospital in the Intensive Care Unit.
Due to Santa’s terrible diet of sugar, fats, and Type 1 and 2 diabetes, doctors have said that his prognosis is 50/50 and fluctuating daily.
“Of course, we’re very concerned about Santa’s condition,” said Dr. Bernard, Santa’s chief Elf who doubles as his physician. “But given his diet and sedentary lifestyle, he’s at high risk for complications. And he’s Santa. He insisted that his supplemental oxygen have a candy-cane flavor.”
Over 245,000 elves work under Santa at the North Pole, over 10% of their workforce has become infected with the virus. It is currently unclear whether Christmas can be salvaged.
“With this many elves out, we have to double up on shifts,” said North Pole logistics chief elf Sugarplum Mary. “We think we can deliver, but as long as the big guy is out, the entire operation is at risk.”
Twinkle Star, an elf who’s currently on probation due to “inappropriate behavior,” spoke to us about the North Pole state of affairs.
“If Santa hadn’t gone to the Candy Cane every weekend, this never would have happened!” The Candy Cane is a local strip club at the Pole. “He and those damn reindeer spread the virus all over our village!”
According to Dr. Bernard, children should not worry about Santa’s condition as he believes Old Saint Nick will make a full recovery.