Toilet paper is finally getting an upgrade after 1857.

Seoul, South Korea- In efforts to promote personal hygiene and good health, Samsung is working on a new type of toilet paper that uses wireless fiber optic technology, and microscopic sensors to communicate data with your Smart Phone. Samsung is known for its “SmartHome” brand product line, and this is the next revolutionary step in smarthome living.

The toilet paper, which will be called GoogleWipe, will feature Bluetooth capabilities as well. The fiber optic toilet paper when used will absorb the waste and calculate your health statistics based on the samples left on the paper which will be flushed away leaving the user clean, and now more knowledgeable about the deepest inner-workings of their body.

Data collected from urine/fecal samples will be sent to the App on your device of choice for review. Stats collected will indicate things such as hydration levels, PH levels, diet patterns for athletes who wish to track their caloric input/output for metabolism maintenance, and provides an insight into how much waste you personally produce to maintain regularity.

In order to sell the idea to the uninformed and chronically constipated the GoogleWipe App asks for permissions to access your camera and microphone to post your results on a global “scoreboard” forum if you so wish to do. The scoreboard forum which will be called “The Glory Hole” allows users to share not only their good health data, but pictures, video, and even audio of your last GoogleWipe use to help promote a clean and healthy lifestyle by making what was a taboo activity into a normal, natural, every day process to share with your friends and family at the click of a button.

Social Media Integration

Results can also be posted instantly to Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, and any other social media of your choosing. A lot like posting over Facebook the home cooked meal your grandmother made that you ate six hours before, only not as appetizing.

Dissenting voices of this new technology are up in arms over the chance that this personal data may be recorded and monitored by a third-party in possibly some perverted manner.

People have expressed their disgust that someone they have never met may be watching in on them as they “drop the Cosby kids off at the pool” one commenter was quoted as saying. Another commenter replied saying that if they have been that worried about being seen on the toilet then they would be best leaving their devices outside of the bathroom, as it is possible for anyone with the right hacking skills let alone the backdoor access the FBI has to most devices on the market to use your smartphone’s capabilities from a remote location.

The original commenter’s counter-reply was a middle finger meme.

Perhaps this is the dawn of a golden age of personal health monitoring never seen before, that will revolutionize the way people wipe their rear ends. Only time will tell if this technology once released to the market will clog the pipes of Samsung’s Smart Home brand.

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