Sacramento, CA — Every five years, the Sacramento City College (SCC) trustees give the esteemed institution’s highest prize. Six months late, primarily due to delays from the coronavirus, SCC announced its 27 final candidates, with Joe Rogan snagging the esteemed AA Degree.
Criteria for the honorary degree are strict and include such requirements as “possessing unique rhetorical skills, being able to speak ‘to cats,’ driving in the rain, and being able to recite at least two Kayne West songs.” Mr. Rogan checked not only those boxes but also all of the remaining 23 qualifications. According to the trustees, the next closest candidate was Ben Shapiro, who only matched 19 but lost out on several important requirements, notably understanding female biology.
“It’s like I’ve always said, ‘If you can lie, you can act, and if you can lie to crazy girlfriends, you can act under pressure,'” said Mr. Rogan before his latest podcast, The Joe Rogan Experience referring to the degree. “It’s the advice I give to everyone, and I’m glad Sac City recognizes this: never stay in a bad marriage, and don’t hang around with psycho coke fiends. It’s the simple truths, you know, that matter.”
James Cuntington, a trustee member in response to Mr. Rogan’s comments, said that the AA Degree award had nothing to do with “lying, crazy girlfriends, or coke fiends,” but rather to Mr. Rogan’s significant contributions to American culture.
“We appreciate Mr. Rogan’s acknowledgment, but he received the degree based on other factors.”
Later in his podcast, which featured guest Jake Angeli, famous for his popular name of QAnon Shaman and his chant-filled US Senate chamber invasion, Rogan pondered his new success.
“You know, like you,” referring to QAnon Shaman, “I never completed college. I found it a waste of time. But that was just me, just like you, I suppose. When someone comes along and expresses him or herself as freely as they think, people flock to it. They enjoy it.”
Mr. Angeli nodded his head in agreement and began to speak before being interrupted by Rogan.
“Because I have a girlfriend, I try and take the straight and narrow path, which is good because it prevents VD,” continued Rogan on a tangent. “This degree thing is a good thing, like avoiding VD. It’s giving me all kinds of ideas. Like, when you think about it, all you have to do is get enough people to vote for you, and they give you a nuclear football. At least that’s how I see it.”
Although Mr. Rogan plans to continue his popular podcast, he says he might entertain teaching a few classes on boxing and podcast engineering at Sacramento City College, not in that order.