Los Angeles, CA– Richard Simmons, the 67-year-old fitness guru known for his “sweating to the oldies” workout videos, has not been seen in public since a television interview in 2014. Many have speculated about Simmons’ possible demise.

On March 13 the LAPD did a wellness check at Simmons home due to a report of elder abuse. To LAPD officer’s surprise, Simmons was found alive and well.

Since the wellness check, reports have surfaced accusing Simmons housekeeper, Davina Bessee, of holding Simmons hostage in his own home. Gish Gallop was able to get a phone interview with Bessee and we asked her to respond to the allegations.

“I have not held him anywhere, I don’t want to touch him,” said Ms. Bessee. “He is always sweaty and blabbering on about how cute the gardener is, I just want to get back to Nevada City”.

After further investigation, it was discovered that Simmons would lock himself in the pantry for hours at a time. Miss Bessee told us that she would find holes in the middle of the cake frosting containers. She would not speculate the reason for the holes due to a confidentiality agreement signed with Simmons.

An interview with Simmons two days ago confirmed to the world that Simmons is in fact alive.

“It is time for Richard Simmons to take care of Richard Simmons,” he said in a short interview.

Gish Gallop has also learned that Davina Bessee is planning to move back to Nevada City, CA, and run for the city council.

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Cleveland Sam, born Sam C. Sharpe, is a hero, a hero to anyone who knows him in Ohio. At the mere age of 7, he rescued a small girl from the clutches of a herd of llamas outside his boyhood home of Cleveland, OH. By the age of 12, he had already rescued over 14 children from near deaths ranging from freak ice cream truck accidents, to drownings in neighbors' Dough Boy Pools. But his heroism didn't stop at youth. No sir. As a teenager, he saved the entire cheerleading squad of his local high school from certain death with their "party van" caught fire during a local "rager." He writes for Gish Gallop because he feels he needs to rescue it. He's probably correct.