Washington D.C. —  Donald Trump today announced another “most tremendous health care plan ever” which would be called “SecondAm Universal Care” or SUC.  SUC is intended to replace the Affordable Care Act (ACA), also known as “Obamacare” to conservatives, and “Obamacare” to liberals.

The SUC bill’s unique features are its hijack of the term “universal” from the Democrats and its tie-in with the Second Amendment.

“This bill allows us to have a shot at fixing healthcare once and for all,” said Mitch McConnell, Senate Majority Leader. “And once we pull the trigger, you will see some major health care targets hit.”

Democrats Not Enthused

“We do not endorse this at all,” a young Democratic staff member was overheard saying. “The Republicans, as usual, will put forth a very low caliber bill which will not accomplish universal coverage at all… it’s scattershot at best.”

“Plus, what’s this obsession with guns?  Are they all psycho?”

Second Amendment Revisions

Despite the secrecy surrounding the bill, this reporter received revised SUC details late last night from the usual unnamed source:

  • SUC introduces the new “2nd Amendment Freedom Provision,” which allows insurers to drop you from coverage at the moment you receive your first gunshot wound. It does this by redefining bullet wounds as a pre-existing condition because you should have seen that bullet coming.
  • The new “Patriot Binding Arbitration Agreement” allows an insurer to hire some person off the street to shrug their shoulders and say, “too bad, we aren’t paying for emergency services because the surgeon who operated on you while you were bleeding out and unconscious with your intestines dangling from your abdomen is not part of our preferred provider network.”
  • The “Thoughts and Prayers Provision” provides free thoughts and prayers from elected officials and the insurance company whether or not the gunshot victim dies.
  • All insured persons, formerly known as “Members” by insurance companies, are renamed “Takers.” A Taker is defined as any person who is not: a member of Congress; a beneficiary of a trust fund, large inheritance, family legacy, LLC; or a person who receives ridiculously large amounts of offshore income from questionable sources.

Big Government, Big Data, and the Deep State

As details continue to emerge, the insurance industry and gun lobbies have poured money into PSAs touting the benefits of not having Big Government and the Deep State meddling in either your health care or your right to bear arms.

“How could you defend yourself from Hillary Clinton’s squad of assassins disguised as unarmed black people or Comet Pizza pedophile delivery guys?  This bill will guarantee that when you shoot one of them, they will either be dead or bankrupt… pew-pew!” a Republican aide stated.

The bill prevents anyone from collecting Big Data about gun-related injuries or deaths from the health insurance companies. The bill’s authors strongly believe that collecting this type of data is an infringement of Second Amendment rights since it hurts the feelings of gun owners. Data collectors will be shit out of ammunition.

Trump Will Sign

President Trump is expected to sign the bill as soon as it is fully loaded. He tweeted the following statement:

“SUC will be the biggest SUC ever!  Really big!  I can’t wait to sign this bill!  It will bring more freedoms than ever. I’m calling it the Pew-Pew Bill. Tremendous, just tremendous!  Watch my poll numbers, folks.  They will go up.  So will my rally numbers. More than Obama’s. My inauguration was much bigger than Obama’s too.”

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