Palo Alto, CA — A year-long study by the Palo Alto, CA-based Rundex Family Foundation has revealed that male Donald Trump supporters have, on average, a penis that is 2 inches shorter than non-Trump supporters. The report, which was sponsored by the American Urological Society, sought to understand penis size across the United States through the lens of various “measurement vectors.” The study was released earlier this week.
The study, uncreatively called “The Average Penis Size of Americans,” sampled over 2600 residents in all 50 States. It asked them a variety of lifestyle questions, including some about their voting habits in the last election. The latter questions were deemed whimsical by the research team until they received the data last month.
“Well, the data doesn’t lie,” said Rundex lead researcher Robert Colvin speaking from his Mountain View, CA home office. “Trump supporters have smaller penises on average. Of course, there’s the bell-shaped curve of the standard normal distribution here, so not everyone falls into this category. But I gotta tell you, the findings are shocking, especially considering we didn’t set out to look for it. The ‘Are you a Trump supporter?’ question was added in at the last minute.”
It’s in the Data
According to the 6.7 million dollar study, it’s not clear why male Trump supporters’ penis size is dramatically smaller than the national average. However, probably the most startling discovery was that female Trump supporters also reported significantly smaller penis sizes.
“Yeah, I don’t know what to make of that last bit,” continued Mr. Colvin, pausing to sigh and gather his thoughts. “I mean, we were all confused by this for obvious reasons. But women Trump supporters felt the need to talk about their dick size, even though by definition, they don’t have one. But what makes this discovery even odder, is that they also reported having smaller than average sizes. We’re going to need more studies to get to the bottom of this.”
During the 2016 election campaign, much was made of the current President’s endowment, going as far as to come up as a topic during the debates. However, such personal attacks on then-candidate Trump seemed only to help his bid for the White House, leading Rundex to partially conclude that his supporters “wanted to join with the President.”
“I mean this is just speculation,” said Mr. Colvin, “but there might be some kind of e-factor [empathy factor] with Trump supporters driving this data. They want to, well, “be like him’ and therefore think of themselves as having unusually small penises. This might explain female Trump’s supporters’ answers as well, you know? They want to believe they also have a Trump penis. As I said, we need to study this more.”
According to Rundex, there is no timetable for a future study.