Fresno, CA — A Fresno man has been permanently blinded after exercising his “god-given constitutional right” not to wear a protective mask. Darryl Kevins, 38, was admitted to Fresno Community Hospital with 2nd and 3rd-degree burns on his face and severe damage to his eyesight.
Mr. Kevins, a self-proclaimed “Constitution defender” and an occasional member of the Fresno Freedom Fighters, a local right-wing militia, wanted to make a point about the government forcing people to wear masks. So earlier this week, while working at his machinist job, Kevins announced to his fellow workers that he was going “full Constitutional” and removed his welding mask while working on some piping.
“Yeah, Darryl is always talking about how much he loves the Constitution,” said machinist Steven Crowder regarding Mr. Kevin’s ‘announcement.’ “You know, he’s one of these guys with flags on his truck. Anyhow, he’s constantly talking about the deep state and the QAnon great awakening stuff. I wish he thought the mask thing through a bit more.”
As Mr. Kevins ripped his welding mask from his head, he released a loud “Yeeehaw” and started singing an out-of-tune version of the jingoistic Lee Greenwood anthem God Bless the USA – I’m Proud to be an American. Then he began to scream.
“It was the worst thing I ever heard,” continued Mr. Crowder. “He was singing, ‘Where at least I know I’m free,’ and then he started this blood-curdling screaming. Everyone ran over to him to help but couldn’t do too much at that point. His lips, chin, nose, and eyelashes were on fire as we dunked his face in the nearest liquid, a bucket of acid labeled ‘WATER.'”
After Emergency Services transported Mr. Kevins to the hospital, he spent three days in the ICU and had a heart change.
“I thought OSHA was going too far into our freedoms,” said Kevins from his hospital bed. “I can see now that they weren’t. Or, can’t see is what I’m saying. Of course, I can’t dammit see anything anymore, but I’m still not blind like all you sheeple.”