Orange County, CA — In an attempt to alleviate a slow news day, we stumbled upon an Anarchist’s Group on Facebook. We were invited by one of the punk rock looking types from another group we forgot we had joined. For privacy sake, we will refer to him as Sid Viscous.
Gish Gallop: So, Sid, tell us what anarchy is all about? There seems to be a lot of talk about what anarchy means to oneself. We have seen everything from Mad Max fever dream fantasies, to dystopian futures involving laser guns, shiny suits, and bankrolling millionaires using the lack of a law to create their corporate governance. You claim to have been an anarchist since the 90s, what was that like for a Millennial? You are… how old again?
Sid Viscous: I’m 28. I have been an anarchist my entire life. My mom would say that I was a stubborn kid, how I never listened to my teachers. In high school, my principal wanted to give me Saturday School, like all the time. I never showed up, though, HA—stupid teachers. But yeah, I mod the group I invited you to. I thought you were a cool dude, so I figured you would dig our ideas.
Gish Gallop: You may be correct in your assumptions, but I am having a hard time figuring out precisely what anarchy is. Some people are afraid that it will be dangerous, you know, like Molotov cocktails and street riots. Others think it will be like some Libertarian dream world, where there are no taxes, and all you have is the fruits of your labor. I think they might be confusing Amish ways for an economic style, but I try not to poke the bears unless I have to.
Sid Viscous: Uhh yeah lol. Well, see the thing is we have to be prepared for a riot. We have to be ready for The Man to crack down because if we rise and take back our freedoms, they’ll declare martial law or something, and then we are all screwed. But that’s what it’s going to take, man. Revolutions are always born in blood. Some writer guy wrote that once a long time ago, I forgot his name, though.
Gish Gallop: I understand that, and fear of what might happen if you try to go against the “system.” But what about afterward? What’s the endgame here? Why should I drop everything I own and live in an anarchist commune? Isn’t this dangerously close to what Charlie Manson had in mind when he was in his prime?
Sid Viscous: Nah man, Manson was racist. We are peaceful, but we aren’t afraid to lay a beatdown if necessary. Honestly, you talk about endgame? I have been reading the comments and posts in my group, and I think I have boiled it down to this: People want things the way they are now in America. Except for more freedoms. We can’t just demolish the current climate without having some sort of order after the Fall. So I took the liberty of starting a list of things our members have unconsciously asked for Anarchy to resemble. The first one on the list was, “I want to wear whatever I want to work. I have these really cool studded leather boots I have been dying to show off but I’m always working and it goes against dress code. What nazis, am I right?” Next in line is, “Lower cigarette prices, or just damn free already since no one else is buying them anyway.” Then one member from Silicon Valley had this one, “Why should I even have to show up to work? I do about five minutes of coding and the rest of the day is spent either on YouTube or PornHub. I shouldn’t have to feel guilty about this because I am in the office. So unfair. The government needs to go.” Most of the other entries are the same, “free money,” “no more money,” “free toll roads,” “no more government census tracking citizens down,” “I wish I could grow my food, but the government won’t let me, I saw so on Facebook.”
Gish Gallop: Well, that’s quite a list you have there. I thought anarchy was going to look uhh… a little different?
Sid Viscous: How so?
Gish Gallop: If everyone has to be responsible for their production and livelihoods, wouldn’t the world look more like a bunch of farmers and wouldn’t days be full of hard labor and shooting intruders off your stake of land? How are you going to convince people to do anything with or for you without some sort of incentive other than, “Well, if you help us, we won’t murder you because people are a commodity again thanks to lack of law enforcement?”
Sid Viscous then blocked us and removed us from the group.