Palm Beach, FL — Proud Boy founder (and former member) Gavin McInnis was reportedly frantic Saturday morning after discovering that his successors would be unable to replenish their strategic supply of MAGA hats due to an onslaught of TikTok users, K-Pop Stans, professional anarchists, and Antifa looters ransacked the website for former President Donald F. Trump’s merchandise.
According to McInnis, the Proud Boys depend on a steady supply of MAGA hats to ensure that they are rejected by non-Aryan women and treated poorly by service personnel after repeatedly demanding sexual favors. This shortage could adversely affect the group’s ability to wage their ongoing culture war against IHOP, Sizzler, and Applebee’s franchisees across the continental United States.
“If these ANTIFA K-Stans keep looting our MAGA merch, we’ll have no choice but to invade,” McInnis told InfoWars host Alex Jones during a contentious interview Sunday afternoon. “It’s an act of war.”
While it’s unclear who exactly the shirtless former Vice News associate was threatening to invade, Cops For Trump hats, Babies for Trump onesies, and MAGA Mama beach towels are all on back-order — despite a surplus of inventory at the Trump Campaign’s headquarters in Beijing. Even the official Trump Gold Card, which comes with a $0 courtesy credit line and is available to any American with an application fee of just $35.00, is unavailable until November.
“These Made in America products will ship to addresses in the United States within six to 12 weeks as soon as offshore production resumes after the COVID-20 pandemic’s conclusion,” Ivanka Trump said in an official statement issued by Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop.com.
Applications to join the Trump Victory Finance Committee (or TVFC) are still available for anyone who wants to help the GOP secure victories in 2022 and 2024.