Washington, D.C. — In a startling announcement via executive order, President Trump has pardoned Bill Cosby from any wrongdoing after being charged with the sexual assault of a Temple University employee in 2004. The move, which caught everyone, including Bill Cosby, off guard, takes effect immediately. Even though the evidence was strong, President Trump felt compelled to pardon the famous comedian of all current and future charges.

Not since the pardon of Jimmy Hoffa in 1971 has an action drawn so much criticism. Hoffa entered jail in 1967 but only served a few years before President Richard Nixon commuted his sentence. The offer of clemency came with the condition that Hoffa would no longer participate in Teamsters activities. Still, critics argued it also involved a backroom deal that the union would support Nixon’s reelection campaign. But Hoffa wasn’t charged with such horrific charges.

“I am thrilled that President Trump has stepped up and prevented this media assassination of a great American,” said Penn Valley activist Brock Whalen from his Lake Wildwood home. “After all this media frenzy around the Russians, I’m surprised that he pardoned Cosby. Trump is a smart man. Trump once called Cosby his African-American.”

Gish Gallop reached out to Mr. Cosby for comment, but we were provided with the following press release.

“I know people are tired of me not saying anything, but a guy doesn’t have to answer to innuendos. People should fact check. People shouldn’t have to go through that and shouldn’t answer to innuendos. And just because I’ve received a Presidential pardon doesn’t mean I’m guilty of anything. To the contrary, it shows I’m innocent.”

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