Washington D.C. — President-Elect Trump announced today that he will be launching a new social media network that he personally will moderate and administer. In a highly-shared tweet today, Trump announced that he has good reasons to do this, including that he had become “bigger than Twitter, saying he needed a “greatly expanded, more honest platform to communicate with the people, specifically, his supporters.” He complained that the disrespectful tweets he was receiving on Twitter, together with the “fake news” being spread about him on dishonest networks like CNN, NPR and BBC, had left him no other choice than to create his own social media empire. He also noted the idea of a “free press” was overrated and could interfere with his Presidential agenda.
“Have you seen my latest poll ratings? A 37% approval rating,” he exclaimed, “and I haven’t even taken office yet. How could that be when I won in a landslide? All the polls are fixed. That rating’s just horrible, just plain wrong. Let’s just change that “3” to a “9”, and that’s the true number. A 97% approval rating is right. I know it, and you do, too.”
“I’m really smart,” Mr. Trump continued, ” a man of big, bold ideas, and I’m rich. I’ve launched a lot of new businesses, and this one, let me tell you about it. My people, and they’re really smart people, the smartest, and you can be sure they aren’t gonna let all my dishonest and disrespectful enemies on there.”
Mr. Trump explained that the names of anyone attempting to post negative information about him would be entered into a “Dissident Registry” and that any individuals using either of the words “golden” or shower” would face sanctions, including imprisonment.
“[T]he only way we can make America great again is to get rid of all the fake news and my dishonest critics,” he continued. “The way to do that is to obtain information directly from me on my new site, which I have named “MeinTrumpf®, after me of course. People, check your MeinTrumpf® mailbox every morning, and you will see what I want you to believe is happening around the world, 250 uncensored characters coming right from me. And, the government is going to pay for all of it!”
Trump then gave another reason for the MeinTrumpf® launch.
“I’m really, really tired of Ivanka changing my Twitter password. She’s a nice girl, beautiful, luscious, but I don’t let anyone shut me up, even my family. This way, my way, all the way. I love it, and you will, too. We don’t need those other sites-they just try to make me look bad. I’m gonna put them out of business, one way or another. The American people are sick and tired of being lied to.”
“You are going to see great news about what I’m doing,” he said. “We’ll have a live feed of construction of the wall keeping those Mexicans out, we will show my associate Vladimir working out at his Kremlin gym, we’ll show those approval ratings starting to skyrocket, and we’ll show me sitting by the nuke button, ready to push it, missiles ready to strike if those bossy Chinese guys keep blabbering nonsense. Seeing me with my finger on the button will show them, won’t it?”
He noted that his people were already working on the “MeinTrumpf® programming. President-Elect Trump concluded his remarks by saying that he expects the network to launch shortly after he enters office.