Kenilworth, NJ — Pharmaceutical Giant Merck announced today that its clinical trials to see whether chemtrails are an effective enema treatment have failed. The three-year study in which Merck partnered with the Department of Defense (DoD) and National Institutes of Health sought to carefully examine the impacts of chemtrails on the human gastrointestinal tract.

The study involved over 1400 volunteers, mostly from various Facebook groups who believe in the global conspiracy to control our skies with chemtrails.

“I immediately volunteered for the project for a variety of reasons,” said Sally Derpkosky, who belongs to several, in her words, ‘truth-based’ Facebook groups. “I’ve been trying to get people to wake up to the dangers that are right over their heads. And below our feet. Everywhere. Chemtrails are killing us. And then I thought, ‘what better way to bring this truth out into the open than having chemtrails shot up my ass?'”

According to Merck spokesperson Bethany Millbright, the company is disappointed.

“Well, what can we say?” said a somewhat sullen Ms. Millbright. “We were excited when the DoD approached us with this groundbreaking idea, but it just didn’t work out.”

According to the study published by the company and the government, piping chemtrails into people’s rear ends did nothing but cause excruciating gas pains, which led to a sizable number of participants having “psychotic breaks with reality.”

“I certainly didn’t like it,” continued Ms. Derpkosky. “I mean I did for the greater good, but some people thought–actually, I don’t know what they were thinking. But some people freaked out after only a few treatments. Me? As I said, I didn’t like it. Well, maybe at first it was fun.”

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