Nevada City, CA — A local woman’s chronic volunteerism is being blamed by townsfolk for robbing them of their initiative and dulling their once notable can-do spirit. Well-known do-gooder about town, Saihra Ramun, is justly renowned for her many good works in Nevada City, including her years of toil on the City Council, her countless hours devoted to local homeless advocacy groups, and even as the progenitor of the city’s wildly popular Tuesday Night Tofu Swaps, during which York Street is closed [Editor’s note: Christ, is it ever open?], people can “play” bongo drums to their own “rhythms,” and countless bits of tofu are swapped amongst the gaily bedecked citizens. Residents of area retirement homes are bused in from as far away as Ridge Road to observe the merriment, purchase tchotchkes, and complain about pot smoke.
Unfortunately, however, some residents claim that Ramun’s incessant boosterism has not come without a price. Nevada City resident, Mitch Freed’s sentiments are typical. A former “Life Coach” specializing in helping people “get their shit together,” Freed has seen his client pool dry up in recent years as Ramun simply gets the entire town’s shit together for them.
“My gig is helping people push through fears and actualize their success in a self-healing matrix of strategized tactics. I do this by staying extremely positive, using lots of terms like ‘self-healing matrix,’ and billing some outrageous session fees. But since Ramun came to town, there’s just no market she just does whatever needs doing before people even know it needed to be done.” Reclining on his couch amidst a sea of empty Ho-Ho wrappers, Freed’s voice trailed off in a resigned, “What’s the point, anyway, man?” as he actualized the latest in what appears to be an epic streak of successful daytime naps.
Freed is not alone, either. Local Nevada City homeowner, Larry Krugman, had planned to spend the weekend installing low-flow toilets and micro herb gardens in the portable homeless shelters he maintains illegally behind his property on Piety Hill. Unfortunately for him, he woke up on Saturday morning to find the work already done, with nifty solar arrays installed to boot. To make matters worse, it appeared that Ramun had arranged for the homeless residents to operate a makeshift Comcast Call Center out of their shelters, fielding calls from angry subscribers wondering why “them Internet tubes ain’t working.”
“Honestly,” kvetched Krugman, “what the hell’s the point? I try to pull myself up by my bootstraps but I’m not even sure I know what they look like anymore. Plus, I’d probably just wake up with my damn boot s on anyway, thanks to Ramun.”
Calls to Ms. Ramun for a response to this article went unanswered, presumably because Ramun is currently brokering Middle East peace talks at Camp David. Citing her years of experience in mediating conflict between obstinately unreasonable parties during the legendary Nevada City Boardwalk Wars, as well as her ongoing peacekeeping role in the Terrazzo Light Dustups, President Obama called her a natural for the role. “Hell, if she can get Conley Weaver to the table, she’ll do just fine with Bibi and the Hamas boys.”