Pershing County, NV — The Pershing County Sheriff in conjunction with other Lovelock, NV officials have published a 412-page report warning that almost 97% of Burning Man “degenerates” will contract herpes at this year’s festival. The report, authored by 5 of the county’s 7 citizens, was highly critical of the week-long art festival and cited former Nevada County Supervisor Bert DeVos as their primary source.
“We are grateful for Bert’s extensive research into the habits of these ‘burners’ as they’re called,” commented Pershing County Sheriff Jerry Allen using his finger to “air quote” the word burners. “We couldn’t have done it without his tireless investigation. There is so much filth and disease going on at this event it’s no surprise that it’s become a major health hazard. As much as we don’t like these people, we want to make sure that we enforce some basic health standards for their own damn good.”
According to the report, the sheriff and as many as 2 of his deputies will enter the festival undercover, dressed as members of the popular pop act the Village People to inspect, and where necessary, fine people for indecent exposure and health violations. Upon learning of the Sheriff’s plans some attendees were not happy about his intentions.
“All of 7 people live there. Lovelock is the biggest town and county seat, and should be bulldozed immediately,” said one frustrated burner who goes by the playa name of Slutty Bunny Hop-in-Scotch or Slutty Bunny for short. “Washoe County, meaning Reno, makes all the money from Burning Man, but the event is held like 1/2 mile over the Washoe County line in Pershing County. They have had a huge chip on their shoulder for years about Washoe County because Pershing County basically lives in the 19th century. The biggest business in Pershing is a prison, that’s where OJ Simpson is serving out his sentence. Just Google ‘Pershing County courts.’ It’s full of dicks who hate Burning Man, mostly because of nudity and envy.”
According to the Black Rock Community Transit Facebook Page, organizers are encouraging people to wear pants when riding the festival’s famous Yellow Bikes. According to a 2013 infographic published by the community, 26,000 cases of herpes were reported at Burning Man during the 2015 event, of which 18,000 came from the community bicycles. Organizers declined to mention where the other 8,000 cases came from, but our Gish Gallop reporter was told to “use your imagination.”
Organizers of the event were quick to dismiss the report calling it, “a feeble attempt to disrupt the festival by the simple-minded and sexually repressed Pershing County Sheriff’s Department. We welcome the Sheriff and his deputies, but they shouldn’t expect a warm welcome.”
Burning Man 2019 will take place when the weather gets much hotter in the Black Rock Desert of Nevada. Participants join in the effort to co-create Black Rock City, a temporary metropolis dedicated to art and community. Participants are always encouraged to bring pants and ass sanitizers for use back in their respective camps, after each trip into the city.