North San Juan, CA — A North San Juan man has completed an exhaustive Internet study to show that all humans across the planet have something terrifying called “Chemtrail Breath.”

“There has been a lot of debate about Chemtrails on Facebook recently,” said Skyy Wolford from his North San Juan home. “So I decided to do some research to get to the bottom of it. You know, real science stuff. So I started measuring everyone’s breath at the local Sierra Super Stop.”

Mr. Wolford is not a scientist, nor does he have any scientific training. He did spend two semesters at Sierra College studying psychology until he decided “school was not right” for him. He retired to North San Juan to sell fake local crystals to Yuba River tourists that he sourced from Malaysia. Since retiring, Mr. Wolford has focused his attention on what he feels are the most pressing issues of the day: FEMA camps, the campaign to forcibly poison us with vaccinations, and of course chemtrails.

In his exhaustive, non-double blind, google-driven “study,” Mr. Wolford assembled over 67 webpages and YouTube videos that prove, in his words, “that chemtrails and chemtrail breath are real and happening right now.”

His sources included, various Youtube channels, Facebook comments, his Camptonville friend Phil and 56 “Chemtrail alert” websites including geoengineeringwatch.org (not a non-profit), aircrap.org (also not a non-profit site), chemtrails911.com (which innovatively combines the 9/11 terrorist attacks with chemtrail conspiracies) and the mother of all fear-factor websites the Canadian globalresearch.ca.

“Someone ranted on Facebook that chemtrails are actually contrails,” said an agitated Mr. Wolford. “And that our steamy breath on a cold day is like a contrail. So I discovered that when we exhale, we let out chemtrail gases like nitrogen, oxygen, CO2, coal ash and even argon! I was shocked. So that argument is invalid! Or valid. Whatever.”

Mr. Wolford plans on continuing his chemtrail research in his spare time, which is quite a bit given he is unemployed.

“I will continue to fight for humanity and the planet,” continued a sanctimonious Skyy Wolford. “These chemtrail deniers mean well with all their math and science, but I have the Internet proof to back up my claims.”

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